Thoughts From My Broken Brain

Nerves

2009-06-22T14:24:00.000-07:00

Starting to get nervous about my next infusion. It's number 12.

-- Post From My iPhone

Today's Mantra

2009-06-11T08:42:00.001-07:00

What I am experiencing is transitory, simply a moment in time. I do not accept this moment as permanent.

-- Post From My iPhone

It's Back

2009-06-11T07:57:00.000-07:00

I think I jinxed myself. I had a meeting with a rep from Biogen Idec yesterday about patient advocacy and said, "This is the longest period of time I've gone exacerbation free." This morning, I woke up and the vertigo is back!

Okay, so this is probably my bodies way of saying slow down. But darn it, I've been having so much fun being reengaged in life again, I don't want to slow down!

I'm gonna pout for another half an hour and then it's off to the gym to meet my trainer. I think a very gentle work out is in my future!

-- Post From My iPhone

Me and Tysabri

2009-06-10T17:32:00.000-07:00

I've been on Tysabri for almost a year now and, WOW, this drug has changed my life. I'm feeling the best that I've felt since my diagnosis and I've finally engaged in life again. It feels so, so good.

MRI results after 8 infusions shows all existing lesions have decreased in size and are less discernible on the MRI. And, my neurologist has downgraded my disability level back down to a 1, when I was at a 3.5 - 4 a year ago.

Sometimes it truly is amazing what a difference a day can make.

A Part of my Heart

2009-01-26T22:41:00.000-08:00

Sometimes my heart just aches with love when he's cuddled up with me!

-- Post From My iPhone

Thankful

2009-01-17T22:42:00.000-08:00

Today I'm thankful for new friends & new experiences, which reaffirm how madly in love I am with my husband.

-- Post From My iPhone

The Science of Infusion Weekend

2009-01-10T17:28:00.000-08:00

Pre-treat for the Tysabri headache with a norco one hour prior to infusion.

Plan on taking a norco every 4 hours for the headache over the course of the next 24-36 hours.

36 hours after the infusion, it's time for a PJ Pamper Party. Invite 4-6 of your closest friends.

Rent lots of movies.

Eat pizza & garlic knots from Flippin Pizza in La Costa.

Enjoy a couple of drinks of Crown Royal & Coke Zero.

And, finally, eat at least one bag of Pepperidge Farm Orange Milano cookies and a carton of chocolate ice cream.

-- Post From My iPhone

Crutchless

2009-01-07T14:18:00.000-08:00

No more crutches!! I survived 10 days of crutches H E L L, and now, I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders! What a relief!

-- Post From My iPhone

An Impatient Patient

2009-01-03T13:54:00.000-08:00

Patient does not = patience.

I know that there is probably some greater Universal message I'm trying to learn from this crutches experiene but damned if I've figured it out yet. All I do know, is I abhor this feeling of helplessness and utter frustration. I would so rather be incapcitated from feeling like shit, then incapcitated & sitting around & twiddling my thumbs.

Happy Accident: Learning a life lesson that is NOT MS related. It's been a long time.

-- Post From My iPhone

Jinxed

2008-12-30T16:23:00.000-08:00

Yup, that's right, I jinxed myself with that last post. Not two hours AFTER writing it I managed to sprain my ankle. Then, on Monday, the Vet called and confirmed that River does indeed have pancreatitis.

But this is all okay....it's just the last crappy things to happen in a crappy year and I still stand by my earlier post...2009 is going to kick-ass. And, not that I really needed any confirmation of this, but here's what my super groovy horoscope says:

CANCER (June 21-July 22): "Dear Rob: These last few months have been
absurdly full of pluses and minuses, ups and downs, lefts and rights. There
have been so many good things happening and yet so many obstacles,
too. It often feels like we Crabs are being rewarded and punished at the
same time. I'm wondering where it's all going and when it will end? A
happy ending? A sad ending? No ending? Will zero ever equal one? -
Agitatedly Neutral." Dear Agitated: You're at the climax of a long
balancing process. I suggest you take this opportunity to tally up the
valuable lessons you've learned in the relentless back-and-forth. Your
graduation to a less ambiguous chapter of your life story will be more
robust if you work hard to extract the meaning from experiences you've
tended to see as random or confusing.

Happy Accident:  Celebrating seeing good friends tomorrow and being
waited on hand and foot. {{giggles}}

So long 2008

2008-12-28T15:34:00.000-08:00

Thank the Goddess that 2008 is coming to an end! It's been a bitch of a year and I don't remember feeling so excited that a new year is beginning.

I'm feeling so hopeful that 2009 will continue to show improvement of my broken brain! Maybe this year we truly will get the MS under control.

Happy Accident: Celebrating ushering in the New Year feeling better then I have in 4 years!

-- Post From My iPhone

Christmas Blog, Part II

2008-12-25T15:05:00.000-08:00

I've been especially frustrated this Christmas. I wanted to find that PERFECT gift for my husband. That one gift that says everything I feel for him. His importance to me. How thankful I am that I am so treasured, adored, protected. The gift that can express that my heart belongs to only him. How much I appreciate the little things he does for me everyday that says, "I love you."

But the truth is that even if I had a kabillion-zillion dollars, no material gift exists that can express, what I can't even find the words to say most of the time. I could get a rock, that represents how you are the strength that gets me through each day. I could get a priceless work of art that represents the masterpiece that you are. I could get you aromatherapy to represent how you soothe my trouble soul time-after-time. But, again, it would never be enough, it would never SAY enough.

I've already given you my heart. So, this year all I can give is my pledge that everyday I will try to aspire to be as good a wife to you, as husband you are to me.

You are my light, my heart, my strength, my hope. I love you!

Christmas Blog, Part I

2008-12-25T14:59:00.000-08:00

"Husband's Christmas Present"

Ingredients for Christmas Cookies: $30
Christmas Cards for family & Friends: $50
Wrapping paper for gifts: $20

Look on husband's face when he realizes he's not getting a Christmas gift this year.....PRICELESS

When Thinking is Hard

2008-12-14T19:09:00.000-08:00

Nothing is so sweet as cuddling with my Beasties. Especially when I'm recovering from a Tysabri infusion.

-- Post From My iPhone

Eyeballs is Back

2008-09-28T23:05:00.000-07:00

Three years ago he was just a itty-bitty thing. Kelli took good care
of him after our wedding and now he returns to us, just in time to
celebrate our 3 year wedding anniversary.

Turtle Killed Kirby

2007-09-11T16:28:00.000-07:00

From the moment I saw his tall shiny stature, I knew it was love. I just had to have him for my own. I needed my Kirby! Turtle won't admit that he was jealous of my love for Kirby. But I knew because Turtle did everything he could to come between us. I saw through Turtle's stonewalling and rants about how expensive he was; he wasn't worth it; trying to compare him to cheaper competitors.

Finally, after days and days of debate and discussion; long searches on E-Bay, we brought one home for our very own. Still Turtle did all he could to turn my love into something bitter. Mocking my affections....

We've only had Kirby a short time, he's given so much to us. Cleaning all the dirt without a complaint. And then last week, tragedy struck. Turtle killed Kirby. He took him apart and can't get him back together. His shiny metal front is cracked in half. There may be no hope for our cleaning friend.

Now we need a surgeon to see if Kirby can be put back together again. Maybe they can rebuild him, better, stronger: A Bionic Kirby?

Blessed, Blessed Cold

2007-09-05T10:01:00.000-07:00

I'm all alone lying in bed. The beautiful AC unit is set to 68 degrees and the thermostat says it's currently 71. I'm wearing nothing but a wife beater and undies...since I'm alone I don't have to worry about freezing anyone else out. My laptop is beside me on a pillow with Zodiac booted up in the DVD player ready to watch.

The only warmth around me is River, curled up between my legs; and Boy curled up on my right side. Their slight warm bodies feel good against the frigid air, little bumps of heat but not enough to cause me any discomfort.

I can feel the goosebumps on my arms and legs. I like the coldness in my extremities.

At this moment I'm feeling pretty content. Just to lay in bed and do nothing but soak up the cold and not worry about anyone else's discomfort. After the unrelenting heat of the week, this is a perfect moment.

As the room cools even more I begin to feel my strenght returning. As I bask in the cold blasts of air swirling in the room I feel my body begin to re-energize and strength returns. I wish I could be this cold all the time.

Happy Accident to Celebrate: Who needs Sun worshipping when you can worship the cold?

MAMMOGRAM = BREAST ABUSE

2007-08-28T21:23:00.000-07:00

Today was a monumental day for me, a right of passage into middle-agedhood, I had my first mammogram. All I can say is OUCH!! What sick fuck thought squishing boobies flat as pancakes was the only conceivable way to take pictures of breasts?

I have spent most of my life battling the affects of gravity on my breasts. I am stalwart in wearing a bra almost all the time, I even sleep in a bra. I minimize the time my breasts are allowed to hang free all in the efforts to keep my breasts nice and perky. And today, some strange women took perverse pleasure in squashing my boobs FLAT!!

It's just sick and wrong on so many levels!

Failures

2007-08-25T17:51:00.001-07:00

There is nothing so great as being confronted with your failures. Years and years later it still smarts.

Letting Go

2007-08-21T10:07:00.001-07:00

When is it time let go of a friendship? At what point do you decide that the hurts being felt outweigh the love over many, many years? Do you just give up and let it go?

The Day After

2007-07-10T00:45:00.000-07:00

What a spectacular day yesterday was. The special day of my birthday bash. I must say, my 40th birthday has been, hands down the best birthday I've ever had. I've been spoiled beyond belief by my Turtle love and the outpouring of love from family and friends has been stellar. Mrs. M even made a special one-day trip from Reno just to celebrate with me! Red and the flartist gave me the most amazingly beautiful floral arrangements EVER!! Mommy really outdid herself to celebrate my 40th. I truly could not have asked for more!!

Highlights of the day include a scrapbook that everyone helped me create of the day, and of course, the birthday roast MC'd by Mrs. M. Even though it was a roast of me, I think Turtle ended up being even more roasted than myself with the story of his nickname being made public, in front of his mom! Yup, until yesterday the nature of the nickname had been kept safely secret from the family but, now, everyone pretty much knows the story of how Turtle came to be. {{giggles}} Poor Turtle, he took it all in stride and loves me anyway!!

Off to bed to dream of my fabulous day.

Happy Accident to Celebrate: Love from my friends and family. I'd be nowhere without it!

Summer is Well and Truly Here

2007-07-03T10:43:00.000-07:00

It's hot. It's not just hot but it's H O T hot. UGH!

I remember I used to get so excited for summer to come. Looking forward to all the sunshine, beach parties; lounging by the pool. Now when I think of summer, I cry. The numbness, fatigue, dizziness. BBLLIICCKKKK!!!

So, now, I'll celebrate Winter and will anxiously await its return. I'm looking forward to the cool crisp days and the chilly evenings. Looking forward to sleeping less and getting way more accomplished in life. Who knows, if this keeps up I may even become a Christmas convert and look forward to the holiday celebrations. I don't think I'm ready to take it that far yet.

Happy Accident to Celebrate: Learning to adapt -- even when it really and truly pisses me off that I have too!

5 Days and Counting...

2007-07-02T22:07:00.000-07:00

...until my 40th birthday bash. I'm so thoroughly excited about the upcoming party, that it is taking the sting off of the bite of turning 40.

It still seems a bit unreal to me that my 30s are over and I'm entering a whole new decade...my 4th decade. It seems like yesterday that I was 20'something. Weird to think I'm 40'something. I'm still in a bit of disbelief.

I am having a dream come true turning 40; and that is, having a HUGE birthday party. The last count my mom sent me we have about 58 RSVPs for the party! Imagine that, close to 60 people all under one roof just to celebrate ME! I love it when the world revolves around me in a non-vertiginous way!

So, I may be turning 40 in a about 6 days but life is still pretty good!

Happy Accident to Celebrate: Having a dream come true with no expectation of it happening. Thanx mommy....I wonder how she knew? I always thought this was a secret dream.

7 Days and Counting

2007-06-30T23:17:00.000-07:00

7 days until the big celebration of my 40th birthday. I'm so excited, I can hardly wait. So, it sucks to be turning 40 but it rocks that 60 people of whom are super important to me are all going to be under one roof to ring in the new decade.

It's been nice that my 3 year anniversary of my diagnosis has been overshadowed by my freaking out about turning 40. See, life really does continue on post MS. It's nice to know that I'm quite capable of obsessing and freaking out over something other than my broken brain.

3 Years Ago today...

2007-06-29T10:55:00.000-07:00

...a puppy was born, unbeknownst to his future mommy; who, on that very same day was diagnosed with MS. Happy birthday to such a special soul that makes me smile every single day!

TWI

2007-06-24T01:14:00.001-07:00

Typing While Intoxicated! It's actually more difficult to type drunk then I would have previously thought!!! Who would have thought?!?!

Okay so the B I G 4 0 is approaching and maybe I'm starting to F R E A K just a little; hence, the intoxication after hitting the bar scene and a strip club. Gosh, when did I join the Old, Fat, and Ugly club???

I'm starting to feel my age....maybe avoiding bars is a good thing!

Happy Accident: Realizing that the bar scene is so NOT my thing!!

Introducing Professor QuickBooks

2007-06-14T21:46:00.000-07:00

So, I took the huge leap and started my own QuickBooks consulting business. Professor QuickBooks at your service.

It has been so much fun the past couple of weeks focusing on this, AND I even have clients, which I didn't think would happen this fast.

My mom says when things start falling into place this fast it's meant to be. I hope she's right cuz I got bills to pay in about two weeks.

Clean MRI

2007-06-14T21:44:00.000-07:00

Good news from my Neurologist...there are no new lesions on my spine, or if they are there they aren't big enough to be seen. So, happy accident of this episode, learning that we really are doing a GREAT job at keeping my broken brain from breaking even more.

Engaging Too Much?

2007-06-07T21:41:00.000-07:00

I just re-read the post that I had written back in April. In fact, I had drafted the post but didn't publish it until recently. The irony of it all, is that I guess I had so engaged back into living that I promptly managed to fall into a relapse. How pathetic is that?

Here I'm excited about starting a new full-time job -- in fact the first that I've worked full-time since the diagnosis -- thinking everything is going great and the next thing you know, I can't walk!

So, lots of medicine later and I'm back on the mend. Weakened again, but mending. As is typically, though, everything is a happy accident. This latest exacerbation prompted me to seriously examine what I wanted to do with my professional life and from that I have officially launched my new business, Professor QuickBooks. Yup, the URL and temporary website is on: www.ProfessorQuickBooks.com. I have established biz phone & mailing address; fictitious biz name filing. I have registered and starting the Certified QuickBooks Pro Advisor course, so things are clicking along nicely; AND, 3 official clients. Yeah, me!!!

Originally, I thought I would have another month at the current job prior to be out on my own, but as life has it's way of working out, I was officially (very gently) laid off today. Being an accountant 1 month on the job and then not being able to walk during the week on month-close is just NOT a good thing. My boss has been the greatest about the whole thing, I now he felt horrible, but I gave him a big hug and told him I completely understood. I think he was actually relieved that I took the whole thing so well, but then little did he know that I've been plotting my future as well.

I see Dr. Wang on Monday. This will be a big appointment as we'll review the first MRIs I've had in two years to see how much progression of the disease there has been. Keep your fingers crossed that we get great news.

Happy Accident For Today: RELIEVED that I got fired and don't have to be the bad guy and quit. It just doesn't get any better than that!!

Love / Hate Relationship with Anti-depressants.

2007-04-17T09:27:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how good it feels to be engaging in life again. For the last several years I've felt like a bystander watching all the happenings from the safety of my living room couch. Envious of the people out there DOING and yet quite happy curled up in the safety of my turtle shell, often feeling too exhausted to contemplate the next day let alone able to scrape together any motivation to do a simple thing like shower everyday.

The uncomfortableness of the envy finally out-weighed the comfortableness of nothingness and I've propelled myself towards DOING again. Let me tell ya something, this process of re-engaging has been much tougher then I thought it would be. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with the amount of things that NEED to be done, in conjunction with the things I WANT to do.

This will probably amaze some of you, but the biggest change I've made in my life is to STOP taking an anti-depressant. I know, I know, it seems intuitive that an anti-depressant would actually help some of the depressed behavior I was exhibiting, but my truth is that it doesn't.

I want to make it clear that I'm speaking of MY experience with anti-depressants and my observations of how the drugs affect my body chemistry. I, in no way am advocating any type of position about these drugs. (Okay, pesky disclaimer done.)

I've been on anti-depressants on and off for close to ten years. Right after the diagnosis of my broken brain, I was prescribe some one again. Truthfully, it was the right decision at the time because confronting the realities of living with MS is pretty fucking scary. At the time I didn't think it would be a long term use, but it was just really easy to keep taking them for the last three years.

It's really a love / hate relationship that I have with the drug. It truly does help combat that overwhelming sense of blackness but the perpetually grey is not much better.

Happy Accident: Weaning myself off of unnecessary drugs. At least I hope they're unnecessary.

Finicky Canine Eating Habits...What Does it Mean?

2007-04-01T22:15:00.000-07:00

River, while one of the most adorable dogs on the planet, is truly one of the most eccentric beasties I have ever had claim me as a mom. Here is a synopsis of his current weirdness, which I think may actually compel me to do some animal behavior research.

Since River was a puppy getting him to eat has always been somewhat of a challenge...yup, the little bugger just isn't a big eater. Being a somewhat uptight mom, this very anti-dog behavior used to seriously FREAK me out. I have had many near hysterical conversations with our Vet over what I have always perceived as River's lack of appetite. After Dr. Schatzle (best vet on the planet, BTW), rather sternly, told me to stop freaking out so much and enjoy River's very good health and stable weight, and stop calling him every 5 minutes because River won't eat, I decided to take the free-feeding suggestions and move on. (Which, in all fairness I pretty much have keeping the freak-outs to a minimum.)

One thing Turtle and I have always noticed is that River will not eat if we are not home...period! I think he would rather starve then eat when we're not around. Not only that, but if we're hanging out downstairs he won't eat. He will only eat when one of us is upstairs sitting on the couch. In fact I think he likes it best when I sit on the couch and WATCH him eat. It is quite bizarre.

This past week we added a new type of prescription dog food (yup the stuff you can only get at the Vet's office) to his diet. This is a special formulation kibble to help keep his teeth nice and clean. I'm thrilled because River actually LOVES this new dog food. I started giving it to him as a treat and he always cobbled it up, so now I started mixing it in with his regular prescription dog food -- the very gentle on his tummy kibble because anything else gives the little guy colitis, which means icky, icky poop! No matter what food we have ever fed River, he has never cobbled it up....never. So, you can imagine how happy I am to find something that he seems to really enjoy eating.

So, last night I put a handful of the new food (the kibble is about twice the size of the regular stuff) in his food bowl hoping I could entice him to actually eat. He immediately starts to pick out the nummy stuff, like a typical dog. So, I quietly went downstairs to read in bed prior to my lights out. Turtle had just left to go play poker, so it was just me at home with the beasties. Well, I had literally just settled myself into bed when River comes tearing down the stairs, launches himself from the bedroom door onto the be, sails through the air about 5 feet to land nicely on top of my stomach with a huge thud, and starts chompping away on ONE piece of kibble. When he finishes that one piece he launches himself off the bed and races up the stairs. By the sound of the pitter-patter of his paws overhead, I can tell that he has raced into our living room / dining room area. There is a momentary sound of silence and then I'm listening to pitter-patter again as River comes racing back down the stairs, sails onto the bed with another piece of kibble and promptly munches that down, while he's trying to sit on my stomach. River then repeats this process all over again, each time bringing down only ONE piece of kibble for consumption until all the new food is gone and nothing remains in his bowl put the usual stuff.

The strange mutt did the exact same thing again this morning while Turtle was still in bed. I got up early because I treated myself to a mani and pedi today. I quietly got out of bed, so as not to disturb the sleeping Turtle, walked River and filled up his bowl just as I was leaving. I then crept downstairs to kiss Turtle good bye only to have River come screaming down the stairs with one piece of dog food in mouth to eat on top of his daddy! He then repeated the process until all the yummy stuff was gone and only the crappy stuff remained.

On one hand, I'm so relieved to see him eating that it's kinda difficult to be annoyed at the crumbs and all the extra linen washing that I am now seeing in my future if this new trend continues. But, seriously, what is with this dog and his bizarre-o eating habits. Why does he only eat when we're around? It must mean something in the Dog World, I'm just at a complete loss to understand what he is trying to communicate!

Happy Accident to Celebrate: FINALLY finding a dog food that the most finicky dog in the world will actually devour in normal canine fashion!

Mommy, My Tummy Hurts

2006-08-29T20:45:00.000-07:00

I have a very upset tummy. I just pooped pee. And yes, that's as disgusting and uncomfortable as it sounds. Uh-oh, it's rumbling again!

I'm A Fat Sow

2006-08-29T10:41:00.000-07:00

oink, oink, oink.....oink, oink. I've gained 20lbs since the wedding last year. (I guess that's just how happy I am.) And as great as the last year of eating has been, it's time to take the weight off!! So, I'm putting it out to the Blogoshpere and World, I'm committed to losing some tonage. So you guys, hold me accountable and don't let me slack off. First order of business...working out! UGH!

Grimmie

2006-08-25T16:36:00.000-07:00

Sweat is an uncomfortable fabric to be clothed in. It's clammy and heavy. I feel like I'm wearing an extra five pounds of an invisible fine shean that is a concerte weight cementing me to the ground.

He Is Such A Bed Hog!

2006-08-25T15:49:00.000-07:00

I know you think you have a good looking dog, but seriously, I have the best looking dog on the planet. Really, how can you look at this picture and still think your dog has a shot at the title?

Holy Fucking Shit

2006-08-25T12:27:00.000-07:00

How do people get this twisted?
http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/europe/08/25/austria.kidnap/index.html

I morn for the little girl that lost her childhood and rejoice for the woman and beautiful life she WILL have. I wish her speedy healing and KNOW that she has the strength to have the most joyous, properous, loving life that a monster tried to take from her.

Thank you for reminding me that everyday is a gift, a very precious gift.

An Oxymoron

2006-08-25T08:32:00.000-07:00

Clean period panties! {{giggles}}

I'm going shopping this afternoon for new period panties. I typically get the granny panties that are more convienent when wearing a pad at night so that my sexy undies don't get all grody.

I noticed last night that all my clean period panties are in pretty bad shape....garbage time for them. Turtle just saw a pair and said, "Gross!"

I'm so looking forward to that time in my life when I don't bleed like a stuck pig for 7 days! It is such an annoyance!

It's A Pain In The Ass

2006-08-22T09:42:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry, but MySpace is just a pain in the ass to use. I'm not sure why this site is so popular. I'm mean the site times out and errors out on every other click. It's so flippin annoying. I still haven't been able to search my alumni site because the page ALWAYS does a technical error. And, there is a bullentin comment that I've been trying to read since yesterday that also ALWAYS errors. I don't even want to get started on how slow the site is!!

So, someone, please explain the MySpace phenomenom. From my few days of use I just think it sucks and don't ever want to use it again!

MySpace World

2006-08-21T18:09:00.000-07:00

My husband has finally dragged me to the dark side and helped me set-up a MySpace page. I'm thinking I may need to change my password, though. Today when I signed on I discovered the I had posted this to my blogspot. Or maybe temporary amnesia is a new symptom of my broken brain. What do you think?

Monday, August 21, 2006

10 reasons why my husband is godlike...
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Romance and Relationships

1. He is so smart when it comes to computers and the internet. In fact, he's able to manage my site and blogs when I don't have time.

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2. His ability to sexually satisfy me (and all my friends) is immeasurable...sometimes I am brought to an earth shattering climax simply being under his smoldering gaze.

3. I have never met a man as physically strong as my husband. I've seen him lift and move cars that are illegally parked in our reserved space.

4. He never leaves the seat up, and sometimes even pees sitting down to insure that the seat is pre-warmed for me.

5. His compassion is awe-inspiring. He has been known to make periodic visits to 6, sometimes 7, single mothers in a night to make sure they have everything they need. He even teaches their kids good eating habits saying "milk, does the body good" but he says it with a lisp, to be funny, and it sounds like milf.

6. His body is like a deity from greek mythology, with rippling muscles, thick flaxen locks and strong, chiseled features.

7. His sense of humor warms the hearts of all around him, being able to make a funeral procession roll in their seats with side-splitting hilarity.

8. He has the athletic prowess to have played several sports professionally, including golf, tennis, baseball and curling. But decided he could contribute more to humanity by fulfilling his destiny as a telecommunications engineer.

9. His ex wife was recently institutionalized, having realized what she gave up by leaving him for a mere mortal man. She will most likely die a slow, miserable death, wallowing in self pity and remorse for her egregious mistake.

10. He is such a gifted writer...able to embellish a description that remolds a 36 year old, over weight, balding computer geek into a god.

Women Can't Teach Men?

2006-08-21T14:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is why I could NEVER belong to a church or participate in any organized religion. It does make my heart sing with joy that Rev. LaBouf feels that women can do anything OUTSIDE the church, they just remain silent within. And this bozo sits on the City Council, but assures everyone that his religious beliefs do NOT influence his decision making.

See, I find that hard to believe given the extreme position he is takin within his church.

I just don't get organized religion.

A Busy Day

2006-08-20T22:10:00.000-07:00

Snakes On A Plane in the morning...Urgent Care in the evening.

Turtle and I went and saw Snakes On A Plane this afternoon. It was surprisingly good! I give it two thumbs up and will probably see it again! There is one scene that I object too, but I'll keep it to myself for the time being, so I don't spoil any of the movie for you.

Then, this evening I had an asthmatic broncitis attack, so off to Urgent Care we went. Two breathing treaments and a bunch of prednisone later, all is well.

I'm off to dreamland now. Gotta love Ambien, the only way I can sleep when I've been given a shit-load of prednisone!

21 Days...

2006-08-11T09:03:00.000-07:00

...and approximately $4,500 later, I finally got my Miata back. She looks as good as new and I promptly got a sunburn driving around with the top down all day. Woo hoo!!!

Best of all...the other insurance company has taken full responsibility and isn't fighting at all, so I should be able to recoupe all of my out of pocket expenses. yyiippppeeeee.

A Petulant child

2006-08-08T10:55:00.000-07:00

I’ve come to realize that, with respect to my broken brain, I’ve been behaving like a petulant child throwing a temper tantrum because life isn’t fair.

I’ve never thought of myself as a victim, in fact, I abhor victimization. Life isn’t fair and it’s often hard. So what! It doesn’t help to complain or wallow about it. Yet, subconsciously I have been. My subconscious has been whispering this plaintive dirge, slowly eroding my sanity, much like a mewling kitten that cries unceasingly for its mother.

I’m just glad that I have finally been able to HEAR the noise in my brain. Now, maybe I can change the tune being sung.

Crunched Like A Soda Can

2006-07-25T07:58:00.000-07:00

My little Miata was crunched like a soda can between two big rig trucks. YIKES! Thankfully, it happened in stop-and-go traffic and no speed was involved. No one was hurt (except my car) which is another blessing.

But, alas, the trunk on my Miata is no more. My car is in the repair shop, it has to be completely dismantled for them to determine the full extent of the damage. In the mean time I'm relagated to driving a boring rental car. At least the AC works really well in the rental car, which is a big bonus in this sweltering heat!

A Big Week

2006-07-06T10:46:00.000-07:00

The week between June 29th and July 6th tends to be an emotional roller-coster for me, this year has been no exception. On June 29th I "celebrated" the 2 yr anniversary of my broken brain and the birth of River. Today, July 6th, I celebrate my 39th birthday.

For some reason this year, I wanted to start a tradition that marks the anniversary of my MS diagnosis and Turtle found just the right thing. Every year I plan on adopting a nest of baby sea turtles through the Sea Turtle Rescue Project. Here's a link if you want to check it out: http://www.seaturtles.org/

Turtle found this organization and, of course, I cried like a baby when I read Turtle's email telling me that he had found the perfect thing we could do every year for my anniversary.

As for being 39....I already don't like it! I don't like that 40 is looming. I would like to skip over 39 and simply deal with the fact that I'm 40 and move on. But, no, instead, I have a whole year to stew about it and dread the big 40 even more. UGH! Generally speaking, it will be my rule to NOT tell people I'm 39 because I really don't want to listen to their turning 40 spiels.

At least I'm consistent, I hated being 29 for the exact same reasons. So, I was 28 for 18 months and 30 for 18 months and I skipped over 29 completely. I think I'll do the same for 39. Okay, so this birthday I'm really turning 38 NOT 39. Please forget that I mentioned I was turning 39.

Happy Accident to Celebrate: Rewriting history and NOT having a 39th birthday.

A lesson in what NOT to do

2006-06-24T12:51:00.000-07:00

I learned the following lessons the hard way this week:

1. Don't start taking a new medication without first having read what side affects may occur.
2. Don't start taking a new medication with a potential side affect being increased irritability two days BEFORE my menstrual cycle begins.
3. Beware JONESING for Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk ice cream and attempting to buy it at my local Von's where it is ALWAYS sold out --when I am in a PMS frenzy and suffering increased irritability from a new medication.
4. Don't speak to poor unsuspecting Boy Scout Den Mother -- who is selling popcorn -- when leaving local Von's store when I know that my B&J New York Super Fudge Chunk ice cream craving is not going to be fixed any time soon; am in an even higher PMS frenzy because I've been denied my favorite ice cream; and suffering from increased irritability from new medication.

Happy Accident: Discovering that I'm not a complete bitch but rather suffering from hormonal / chemical forces completely outside of my control. AND, of course, eventually being able to satisfy my craving for Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk ice cream.

River

2006-06-23T23:11:00.000-07:00

Hanging with mom at work

Congratulations Team Turtle

2006-06-23T22:48:00.000-07:00

For the second year in a row Team Turtle was a top fundraising team for the Carlsbad MS Night Walk.

Way to go you guys....you're the grooviest and I love you!

A Useless Day

2006-05-26T06:29:00.000-07:00

Here I am working at 6:00 am on a Friday morning, all because yesterday was a completely useless day. It's not that I'm theoretically opposed to having useless work days, I just want to have those days on my terms. It's extremely frustrating to get to work in the morning all psyched up, ready to kick ass, only to have my day quickly disintegrate with other crap and nothing on my To-do list gets accomplished.

So, here I am....trying to find some quite time to get my To-do list completed, trying not to freak out about looming deadlines. {{Heavy sigh}} Such is life.

Happy Accident to Celebrate: Remember to celebrate happy accidents. I haven't been celebrating enough!!!

Go Soul Patrol

2006-05-24T20:28:00.000-07:00

Yup, my dirty little secret....I'm a HUGE American Idol freak. The final results show is tonight and I so hope Taylor Hicks wins!!! I was able to get about 6 votes cast last night after 2+ hours of busy signals.

GO SOUL PATROL!!!!

What are they so afraid of?

2006-05-09T09:11:00.000-07:00

Me thinks the Catholic church doth protest too much! Could it be that someone has hit on a kernel of truth in this story???

I love a good conspiracy theory!!!

CNN.com - Ron Howard: No need for 'Da Vinci' disclaimer - May 9, 2006

Workaholic

2006-05-02T12:27:00.000-07:00

I've just read a brief article about the workaholic personality. I think they were describing me, which is really nothing new, I've thought I was a workaholic for awhile. I truly have been working on haveing a more balanced life. Not being able to stay at one job for more than two months helps, although I recognize that it's my weird persuit of perfection that drives me away.

To acknowledge myself, I've done much better at my current job then in past jobs. Although, I have to struggle against all my natural instincts to start obsessing constantly. I catch myself doing it ALL the time.

I've been in a fairly blue mood of late; hence, I've been really quiet. I have really withdrawn and isolated myself. I finally reached a point a few weeks ago that I was willing to acknowledge it and attempt to make a change. I'm so lucky to have Turtle, who is so patient with me.

I've been crying a lot for no discernable reason, so okay everyone, maybe I am a bit depressed. It still boggles my mind how I can be depressed when I'm on a boat load of anti-depressants...I mean, isn't that why the word ANTI is in the name of the drug??

There Red, I've updated.....now leave me alone!! {{giggles}}

My Website is Back

2006-02-27T22:19:00.000-08:00

Well, I am once again connected in cyber space...almost. I'm not too sure what happened but I had too republish my website and it was very confusing. So, Turtle has helped me get my blog back on www.LunaFemme.com and we're going to work on prettying it up more over the weekend.

I haven't posted in so, so, so, long. The honeymoon, holidays, Valentine's Day, and about 3 jobs have come and gone since the last post. Mostly life is very good. I'm coming up on a year since my last MS episode--Yeah ME!!! We're monkeying with my meds a bit to help me get a wee more motivated about life -- Loafing on the couch can make a person only so happy, ya know -- and it seems to be working.

I've been interviewing therapists again and have found one that I'm clicking with. I think a big part of it is because I'm truly ready to start some deep self-realization work again. After the MS diagnosis one of the people that I so wanted to talk to was my therapist Ann, whom I had a 10+ year history with. I hadn't been seeing her regularly for several years prior to her death. Rather, I would see her a couple of times a year for mental health check-ups, or when I was feeling stuck in a particularly difficult problem. Ann always had a way of asking me the right question, in the right way, and making succinct comments to get me pointed in the right direction. It was so easy.

The few therapist that I saw right after the diagnosis, I felt so resentful giving them my back story....I was just kinda pissed off that I had to go through it all again. At least this anger has passed and I'm much more willing to fill in the blanks for a new person, the right person.

Anyway, I hate whining and I think that Nancy (new therapist) really gets that and I feel like she'll be able to slap me around if I need it, metaphorically speaking.

Happy Accident to Celebrate: The re-examination of old stuff that I've processed pretty well and being in a space to actually be proud about that.

Quick Recap

2005-11-27T19:56:00.000-08:00

Okay, here's a quick recap on the last 30 days.

I went to Albuquerque, NM to participate in the first annual Lisa Marie Rainbow Run. I'm so proud of my sister and all she has accomplished. It was a resounding success!!!

When I returned home, the battle of the jobs began. I had two fantastic offers from two wonderful companies and it was a super tough choice. As Turtle pointed out, it was a wonderful dilema to have. After my first week with the new company, I'm confident that I made the right choice. I finally have that feeling of hominess at work again. It feels good to be invigorated and excited at work again.

It has been a very quite Thanksgiving. Turtle's parents flew in for the weekend. It was pretty much just the four of us hanging out, laughing, veging...a super cool time with the my in-laws.

My Godchild was christened on Saturday. I cried....but then I cry at commercials. I did find a wonderful prayer that I read, which I will share in a later post.

Today, Turtle and I went honeymoon shopping. Yup, we depart for our honeymoon in 5 days. YYYIIIPPPEEEE!!!! Today I bought three books, a crossword puzzle book (easy), and a journal. I think you get the jist of what I plan to do on my honeymoon.....RELAX. Oh yeah, and a massage everyday.

Mrs. Turtle - Officially

2005-11-02T10:54:00.000-08:00

I'm off to the DMV to make the name change. Yup, I'm officially becoming Mrs. Turtle. I'm dropping my maiden name all together...bye-bye old hello new.

1 Month Later

2005-10-24T20:35:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that we've been married for 30 whole days. I've been Mrs. Turtle for one month and I'm still getting used to referring to my husband. More pics to follow...I'll eventually get them posted.

No More Stitches

2005-10-12T09:10:00.000-07:00

It's time to celebrate; the Dr. removed the stitches from my little toe yesterday!! It was actually a fairly traumatic experience. The scab had crusted over the sutures, so they soaked the wound in peroxide to soften it up and still had to remove some of it to get to the stitches. I'm sure everyone in San Diego County heard me screaming. Thank goodness there were not a lot of stitches!!!

Happy Accident to Celebrate: All the little things I take for granted like driving a car and taking a shower. Even if the shower is cold....no, ESPECIALLY when the shower is cold.

Mrs. Turtle's Fillet-'o-toe

2005-10-10T09:08:00.000-07:00

15 days ago, on Saturday, September 24, 2005, my Turtle Love and I were married. We had a beautiful sunset ceremony at Cuvier Park in La Jolla at the shores: and then it was party time at Princess and Tool Man's ultimate party pad.

Not even twenty-four hours later, while at my mommy's house, I was playing chase with River, kicked a piece of plywood, and managed to dislocated, break, and fillet in half my right foots baby toe. Ouch you say and you would be VERY right. {{giggles}}

So, I spent the first days of marriage in various stages of a vicodine haze and think I'm almost ready to be completely vicodine free. Poor Turtle has had to wait on me hand and foot, not to mention help me take a bath and wash my hair. Although the washing my hair part is very erotic and I quiet enjoy it.

Happy Accident to Celebrate: Majorly mangling my foot AFTER the wedding and not before.

I'm a Fairy Godmother

2005-09-12T02:43:00.000-07:00

Mrs. M, formlery known as Ms. M, is now officially Mommy M. She gave birth to my Fairy Godchild at 12:20 pm on Sunday, September 11, 2005.

For my first official act as Fairy Godmother, I bless my Godchild with the gift of peace. May she always have it in her life.

Long time No Post

2005-08-31T20:16:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been forever since I updated my blog. What can I say...I quit my job and don't work for 3 weeks and did NOTHING but sleep and computer games. It was wonderful. Of course every morning I would wake-up with my to-do list and say today I'll get something accomplished and then go back to sleep. {{giggles}}

Anyway, I started a temp job and have turned into a productive human being again. I find it so much easier to discipline myself when I have a routine to adhere too.

I actually did manage to get quite a bit of wedding planning done with my time off, so it wasn't all wasted. And, of course for me, sleep is a very good thing for my broken brain. I'm getting a little more feeling back in my left hand and I'm hopeful more will come back.

Forgetfulness

2005-08-02T23:42:00.000-07:00

My short-term memory has really gone down the crapper. It's becoming quite comical, really, the things I can forget in a short period of time. I've woken up two mornings in a row with to-do list in my head, only to go about my day and completely forget all I want to get accomplished. So, I've decided to make a to-do list for myself tonight, in hopes that I'll actually get a few more things accomplished tomorrow. I'm sure Turtle will greatly appreciate it if I actually drop-off the dry cleaning tomorrow.

Happy Accident To Celebrate: Forgetfulness....hhhmmmm, does Turtle truly need clean clothes??

Horsiesssssss

2005-07-31T09:27:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving for my first-ever horseback riding lesson. I've been reading about the therapeutic affects of riding for people with MS. Especially for individuals that are experiencing balance issues. So, Red, hooked me up with a friend and I'm gonna go try it out today.

Turtle isn't coming with me, so I'm a little scared, but I'm bringing my Misty Mate and an ice pack so hopefully I won't overheat. I've become somewhat timid in experiencing new adventures when Turtle isn't with me. I get into a lot of fear thinking about all the what-if's that could happen. So, I'm currently reciting my "Today is a good day to die" mantra and venturing out on my own.

Happy Accident to Celebrate: Confronting fear head on!

Misty Mate

2005-07-29T21:24:00.000-07:00

I LOVE my new Misty Mate. What, you may be asking, is a Misty Mate? Well, it is my own portable self-misting system that I can take with me Wherever I go to help keep me nice and cool.

Today, I took my Misty Mate and went to the gym, where I actually was able to workout without overheating. All because of my Misty Mate.

Happy Accident to Celebrate: Learning all about adaptation.

I owe, I owe...

2005-07-28T09:32:00.000-07:00

...it's off to the temp agency I go.

Keep your fingers crossed that this turns out to be the solution I'm hoping for!!!

Wedding Crashers

2005-07-25T16:24:00.000-07:00

I must say "Wedding Crashers" is one of the funnest movies I've seen in a long time. And, what with planning a wedding, I've decided that anyone as fun as Jeremey & John can crash my wedding if they'd like.

Being Sucked In

2005-07-18T16:36:00.000-07:00

Question: How do you extracate yourself from a situation that you've been sucked into?

I've managed to quit the subcontracting job three times and have my last day two times and yet still find myself working there. How does that happen?? Everytime I go in to have my "last day" to tie up loose ends so I feel good about myself just walking away, it turns out that I end up with even more loose ends. What the fuck???

I guess it doesn't help that I sucked my mommy into helping me and know she continues to suck me in to help her {{giggles}}. I actually have a lot of fun working with my mom...I'm teaching her so much about QuickBooks. It's an interesting role reversal.

Go Team TURTLE!!

2005-07-06T09:28:00.000-07:00

I just received a very nice award from the San Diego MS Society because of Team Turtles kick-ass fundraising during the MS Walk this year. It turns out that we ended up as one of the top 50 teams and received a silver award for raising $1,900.

GO TEAM TURTLE!!!

One Year Later...

2005-07-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

It's been a year and three days since I was told that my brain was broken. All the usual "time flies" cliches come to mind. My life has seriusly changed in 12 months, I've been reviewing the list in my head:

I'm planning my wedding, and having so much fun!!
A new beastie has joined the family and he is just the cutest ever--even if he is a canine usurper.
I have a new job.
I got my Miata back--Zoom Zoom.
I'm a home owner again. (Technically this happened prior to being told my brain was broken, but since it was part of the catalyst, I figure it still counts.)
I have two new tattoos.

I think the biggest thing that has crystalized for me this year is that happiness is a choice and my life is just too short to not chose it. And, as usual, this was just the perfect time to really get that message as I've been struggling with another big decision for a week or so. More on that later.

Happy Accident: Choosing happiness. Probably one the of the best darn lessons of all.

The Happiest Place On Earth

2005-06-08T06:52:00.000-07:00

I went to Disneyland yesterday. I just didn't feel the "Happiest Place on Earth" vibe while I was there. Instead, I noticed a lot of frustrated, hot and tired people all milling about getting in each others way.

I did have a very happy time because I got to see my neice singing with her school choir: and considering she lives in Hawai'i and I've never gotten to see her perform before, it was one of the best times I've had. I must state for the record that my neice was, by far, the best singer there; and, of course, this is a completely unbiased statement.

Okay, off to work for the day.

Happy Accident: Braving the elements (read heat; a mob of people; and crazed cartoon characters) to see my neice sing.

Zoom Zoom

2005-05-30T21:01:00.000-07:00

I've got my Miata back!! For those of you that don't know, I had a 1999 Mazda Miata that in a moment of insanity I traded in for a 2002 Volkswagen Jetta. I started to regret that decision about a week after I had done it. Finally, after almost 4 whole years Miata free, the time was right and I got a 2005 Miata yesterday!!

Even though we struck the deal on it last night, I had to wait until this afternoon to pick it up. It was stuck in the showroom. The dealership had to borrow ramps so that they could drive my beautiful new car down the stairs.

Anyway, I'm back driving my death trap and couldn't be happier.

Happy Accident: Realizing how much fun it is to drive with the top down on a beautiful day with the stereo blasting. It's one of those great to be alive moments.

Mrs. M

2005-05-27T23:24:00.000-07:00

Mrs. M is coming down for a visit this weekend. Turtle just left to go pick her up at the train station. I can't wait to see her, she should finally be showing!!! Yup, Mrs. M is married AND pregnant.

I've been so excited about Mrs. M's pregnancy. I'm gonna be an auntie again, even if it is of the calabash variety. Extended families are so cool: the people you come to love and become an integral part of your being even though the same blood doesn't run through your veins. It's that whole soul connection thing.

Happy accident: Soul sisters

118

2005-05-27T23:19:00.000-07:00

I just checked my emails and to my surprise I had 118 new messages. Sheesh, when did that happen?? It's only been a few days--okay maybe a week--since I checked my emails. To my further surprised only a fourth of the messages where spam. Holy cow, I guess if you're going to join the digital age, you better stick with it. No wonder I've been feeling so out of touch, I communicate more via email then the phone these days.

Happy Accident: Checking email and realizing how many cool and groovy friends I have!

Workaholism

2005-05-22T22:19:00.000-07:00

The first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem. Okay, so I admit that I may have an itsy-bitsy problem. There satisfied??

Seriously, I've been putting in some LONG hours at the new job. I knew straightening some things out at the new gig was going to be a challenge, but I kinda underesitmated who FUBARed some of the problems would be. So, for the past three weeks I kept thinking that if I could just get on top of a "few" things everything else would quickly resolve itself. Last week Saturday the hard reality hit me that the clean-up process is going to take a tad bit longer than anticpated and I needed to regain some balance again. So, I've been working to get in a Zen state and work more normal hours and be okay with the time the process may take.

With that said, I'm actually having a ton of fun and am like I'll have pretty close the my ideal job when all the dust settles. So, the hard work is worth it to me because I feel a big payoff is in store.

Happy Accident To Celebrate: Being in a work environment where I feel free to be myself and have a good time doing the job!

Learning More About Living

2005-04-25T07:26:00.000-07:00

I woke up tired Friday morning and stayed tired the whole weekend. This morning, I'm feeling back to my normal self. The last three weeks have been fairly stressful and my broken brain doesn't do well with stress any longer. So, yesterday I listened to my body and spent the whole day reading in bed...it was lovely and I think just what my broken brain ordered.

I'm hoping this week is much smoother than last week. I truly wasn't expecting some of the drama that happened, but I guess that goes hand in hand with such a small office.

Happy Accident To Celebrate: Slowly learning to listen to my broken brain and know when enough is enough.

Wedding Plans So Far

2005-04-25T07:13:00.000-07:00

The wedding plans are all falling into place. We went bridesmaid shopping this weekend with my sister--who was in town this weekend--and Red. They look so beautiful!! Next up is Princess and then the clothing portion of planning is complete. Well, Turtle still needs to figure out his tux and what's what for the groomsmen, but at least the female half is complete.

So, here are links to what we have for the bridal party so far:

My Dress

Jr. Bridesmaind (my neice)

Bridesmaid - Red's Dress

Bridesmaid - My Sister's Dress

Princess is next, and she has lots of styles to choose from. I'm thinking the Groom and Groomsmen need to be in pink vests and ties, but I'm getting some resistence from Turtle, but we'll see.

The floral artist extraordinnaire Nick has agreed to do the flowers. YYYIIIPPPEEEE!!!! Nick does the most beautiful floral arrangements I've ever seen in my life and he HATES doing weddings, so I'm very honored that he has agreed to do mine. Largely in part because of Red. My friends are so cool!!!

Next up.....photographer, caterer, and cake.

First Week Of School

2005-04-22T08:21:00.000-07:00

I started my new job on Monday and I have definetly felt like the new kid during the first week of school. Navigating the personalities, clicks, peoples history, etc., all while trying to acclimate to teachers, homework, classes, etc.

I'm very excited about the challenges involved in the new position...I hope I'm up to it. Hopefully, I'll be able to navigate my way through all the unkowns and make this a success. So, I was very pleased to read my horoscope for the week....super groovy!

CANCER (June 21-July 22): "Creativity is like driving a car at night," said
E. L. Doctorow. "You never see further than your headlights, but you can
make the whole trip that way." I would add that life itself is also like
driving a car at night. You're pretty much in the dark all the time except
for what's right in front of you. Or at least that's usually the case. But for
a few shining hours in the coming week, Cancerian, I believe you'll be able
to see the big picture of where you're headed. It will be as if the whole
world is suddenly illuminated by a prolonged burst of light; as if you're
both driving your car and also watching your journey from high above.

I Found It!!!

2005-04-16T21:53:00.000-07:00

My wedding dress found me!! My sister is referring to it as the ballerina dress, which is quite apt. Imagine ballerina meets fairy princess and that's pretty much my dress. Of course the perfect touch is the matching jr. bridesmaid dress that my neice will look equally as fabulous in!!! And, of course, TIARAS!!!!

Next up, bridesmaid shopping...probably next week wednesday.

Happy Accident: The perfect wedding dress finding you, when it wasn't even close to the style originally in mind.

Hard Fall

2005-04-15T06:40:00.000-07:00

I took a pretty hard fall yesterday morning while I was walking River. This morning I noticed how tender my forearm was and upon examination, it's swollen and starting to bruise. {{heavy sigh}}

I hate it when I fall, this is the second time in 8 days whenI had been fall free for close to three weeks prior to. It really shacks up my confidence and gets that whole fear thing churning again. But, it's time to be brave and go walk River, otherwise he'll poopie in the house. Also, Boy kitty is being very needy and helping me type by walking all over the key board, which makes it difficult to post. {{giggles}}

Today's Happy Accident will be: Discovering bravery

Shoes

2005-04-14T21:13:00.000-07:00

Shoes are no longer safe around River. Yup, in one day he managed too destroy not one but TWO perfectly good pair of black pumps. Thank goodness he did it during my last week at the ultra stuffie--you better be wearing a suite, stockings, and covered toe shoes--ultra business wear office. I'm looking forward to working in a more relaxed work environment again.

The next two days are going to be AWESOME. First, tomorrow is officially my last day at my current job; and, Saturday...it's all about wedding gown shopping with my Mommy and my Aunt CandyCane. I would post some pictures of the style of dress I'm thinking of, but Turtle reads my blog and we just can't spoil the surprise for him. {{giggles}}

Happy Accident to Celebrate: Anticipation and excitement!!!

My First MS Walk

2005-04-12T22:13:00.000-07:00

Woo hoo....yeee haaa....I did my first MS Walk on Saturday. A HUGE thank you to my team mates and everyone who contributed to the cause. I feel overwhelmed with gratitude and it is so hard to express in words the depth of my feelings, seeing all the people walking. It is so incredible to me!! I've been experiencing compassion and kindness from others in a whole new way since my brain broke. Another great gift and happy accident to celebrate.

Thank you everyone for this amazing gift.

The Best Week In A Long Time

2005-04-09T10:59:00.000-07:00

I've had the most amazing week and been a very busy girl. Here are the highlights:

Monday: I was able to make my contribution to our judicial system and had jury duty.
Tuesday: I quit my job.
Wednesday: Found the spot that I ABSOLUTELY have to get married in and realized that, based upon the availability, there was only one day left this summer for a sunset wedding.
Thursday: Was able to get permit for the last day available so that I can have the perfect sunset wedding in the most beautiful shoreline spot EVER. So, the wedding date is officially set for Septemeber 24,2005. Woo hoo, the date is finally set in stone and can't be changed anymore!
Also on Thursday: Got a new job! My last day at my current job is April 15 and my first day at the new job is April 18.
Today: My first ever MS Walk. I formed a team (Team Turtle) and will be walking with 10 other super-cool and groovy friends. Then a victory dinner at Kings!

Happy Accident to celebrate: Discovering that when you make your intentions known to the Universe and then just take that blind leap of faith, everything has a way of working out the way it should!!!

I Found A Happy Accident

2005-03-30T20:57:00.000-08:00

I found a Happy Accident, which I think (I hope) signifies a return to a brighter time for me. I was in such a dark place for awhile and I didn't want to be posting my gloom and doom, it bummed me out even more. So, I just had to stop for awhile.

The two big highlights of the month:
1. The fabulous Ms. M got married and my Turtle Love and I were honored to officiate the ceremony for them.

2. The fabulous Mrs. M is with child. Yup, she conceived the day her man proposed to her. And that is the Gods honest truth and not just a convienent story. {{giggles}}.

My MS News: I'm doing better. I still feel like sometimes I'm taking one step forward and two steps back, but I'm having more and more forward steppin days. One step at a time, one day at a time. I'm so excited about the MS Walk next weekend. Woo Hoo

My Happy Accident: Discovering how cool turtles are!!! Turtles have quite a mythological history to them. Turtles are both a water and an air sign because they have the ability to unite Heaven and Earth. They symbolize deep inner strength, fortitude, and longevity.

Yes, I think the turtle is my new mascot!!!

the San Diego County Credit Union MS Walk 2005

2005-03-05T19:42:00.000-08:00

the San Diego County Credit Union MS Walk 2005 - General Donation

I took the plunge and signed up to do the MS Walk. I'm doing the night walk through LegoLand on April 9th. I've actually started a team, so follow the link to join my team or make a donation. Hope to see you there!!

Hiding

2005-02-28T19:09:00.000-08:00

I've been hiding from the world, from my friends, and even my family to an extent. I've pretty much been just been putting in the minimal amount of effort to exist. I've been going to work, but that's been against my instinctive feelings of wanting to burrow under the covers and never surface again.

I decided that the only way to get out of this pissy-pot-i-never-want-to-get-out-of-bed-again mood, is too simply go balls out and start forcing myself to get busy, and start posting again.

I'm still not sure how I'm going to break this awful cycle of frustration I've been in. I'm not sure how I'm going to help myself help myself but if I'm going to get a handle on my broken brain, I've got to try.

Happy Accident: Putting one step in front of the other after a prolonged rest.

I'm a Pissy-pot

2005-02-08T19:51:00.000-08:00

Turtle informed me that I'm no fun when I'm a pissy-pot. And if I'm being truthful with myself and the world, I've been in a pissy-pot mood for several weeks now. So, it's my goal this next two weeks to de-pissy-pot myself.

I don't expect this to be an easy task, I only have one or two ideas on how start the unpissy-potting process. I have entered into a new stage in dealing with my broken brain and this new stage is requiring that I relearn coping skills. Sobbing in a scaulding hot shower and sweating myself into exhaustion isn't an option anymore. It's time to let go of the anger and frustration I'm feeling over this and get excited about finding creative solutions to overcome current life difficulties.

Okay, if I keep repeating this to myself, maybe I'll start to believe it soon.

Happy Accident: Finding new and creative solutions to life challenges.

CNN.com - Girls sued for delivering cookies - Feb 4, 2005

2005-02-05T15:35:00.000-08:00

CNN.com - Girls sued for delivering cookies - Feb 4, 2005

I wonder what lesson this cranky women thinks she has taught these girls? When was the last time you heard about teenagers using poor judgement when attempting to do something nice? My first thought after reading this article was, "What a complete b*&%^."

Black To Gray

2005-01-30T19:01:00.000-08:00

Well, my mood is improving marginally. It's no longer black more like a slate gray. The weekend has been too short and I'm feeling pretty drained. I did'nt study as much as I wanted too, but I did spend lots of time with River at the dog park. I always feel calmer when I'm with my Turtle love or River, and the best is when we're all together.

A New Toy

2005-01-30T18:51:00.000-08:00

I just got a new laptop that is also a tablet PC. It's the coolest! I'm writing this by hand and it converts it into text for me. No more typing on a little itty bitty laptop keyboard. AND, the input program learns my handwriting as times goes by.

Happy Accident: New toys

Blah, blah, blicky, blah

2005-01-27T20:32:00.000-08:00

It's been a very difficult week. I quite stupidly, stopped taking my prozac cold turkey. I didn't stop crying for two days. Today my period started, which basically means I triple whammied myself by quitting the prozac, while PMS'ing. UGH!!!

My right knee has really been plaguing me. It keeps buckling on me and I keep falling. I had an MRI this afternoon and as I was driving home had a minor panic attack. I'm in fear that the orthopedist is going to call me with really bad news, just like my neurologist did after the first MRI of my brain.

Turtle has assured me that he can think of no reason why they would need to amputate my leg, but the irrational thought keeps running through my broken brain.

Mostly, I've been super pissed off. I had to work very hard to learn good coping skills and how to take care of myself in loving ways when these dark moods hit me. Now, because of my broken brain, I can't do them. For instance, I can't bawl my eyes out in a steaming hot shower. My knee is such a mess, I can't spend spend 45 minutes on the stair master exhausting the anger out of me.

I feel like a petulant five-year-old because I just keep pouting and stubbornly say NO to trying new things. I just don't want to yet, it just feels like too much to give up and too many changes.

So, this week the happy accident I'm celebrating is self-pity. Which, I typically hate. But since having a moment hasn't been enough, I'll indulge in a few days and then move on.

Beastie Madness

2005-01-19T17:11:00.000-08:00

Did I tell you that the feline beasties have taught River the joys of shredding toilet paper. Especially when a full roll of tp has been freshly placed in the holder?

Nothing like coming home to tp confetti ALL over the house. {{giggles}} The beasties are adorable even when they're naughty!

My Horoscope For The Week

2005-01-19T17:10:00.000-08:00

I'm loving this one!! Woo hoo, money. Yeah me!

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Is it too late for you to make another New
Year's resolution? Not according to my astrological analysis. In fact, I
think it's a perfect time to conjure up a few resolutions with financial
themes. Try saying this one aloud, Cancerian, and see how it feels: "I
resolve to win the lottery this year." Or how about this: "I resolve to find
wads of hundred-dollar bills that careless drug dealers have accidentally
dropped on the sidewalk." Here's another that might suit you: "I resolve
to make a fortune on eBay by selling deeds to real estate on the planet
Venus." If none of those feels quite right, try this: "I resolve to spend the
coming weeks filling the holes in my understanding about how to
generate, save, and invest money."

Emails

2005-01-08T13:59:00.000-08:00

I love it when I get emails from people who have stumbled upon my site. Reading the kind notes always brings a huge smile to my face and warms me up inside!

Today's Happy Accident: Random acts of kind emails from others.

Magical Panacea...Not

2005-01-08T13:54:00.000-08:00

Okay, so maybe I was a little naive to think that the stroke of midnight on Jan 1st would be a magical panacea and everything would be right with the world. Actually, it was pretty anticlimatic.

It's been a good start to the New Year, even though everything isn't magically better. Things are still feeling pretty peaceful at my core, which is mostly much what I strive for.

So Long 2004

2004-12-31T15:29:00.000-08:00

YYYiiipppppeeeeee…it's the last day of 2004, which will go down in my annuals as one of the most difficult years I've ever had. So, it is with much joy that I am saying goodbye to 2004 and hello to 2005.

As I breath a sigh of relief that 2004 is over and reflect upon the challenges and adversity, I can’t help but feel truly grateful, thankful, and somewhat victorious that I survived! Even though it’s been an incredibly hard year, I wouldn’t change a single experience or event if given the chance to do it over. I’m thankful for my broken brain and all the love, joy, peace, strength, insights, etc. that has been a direct result of it. Thank you Universe!

So, goodbye 2004 and thanx for everything: Even though I’m grateful to you, I can’t say that I’m sad you’re leaving.

Today’s Happy Accident: This whole year!

CNN.com - Asia quake death toll tops 23,000 - Dec 27, 2004

2004-12-27T06:34:00.000-08:00

CNN.com - Asia quake death toll tops 23,000 - Dec 27, 2004

My heart aches.

Coincidence or not? You Decide.

2004-12-26T11:53:00.000-08:00

I get diagnosed with MS a few months ago and lo' and behold I start receiving shit from End-of-Life Choices, formerly The Hemlock Society USA.

Okay, I know my brain is broken and I think it's really cool an organization like this exists but I'm a far cry from needing them anytime soon!

Besides, how the heck did I get on their mailing list?? I truly hope that this is a coincidence and I'm not receiving this stuff in association with my MS diagnosis and subsequent involvement with different MS non-profits! That's just a little too creepy for me!!!

Horror Flick on Christmas Day

2004-12-25T17:41:00.000-08:00

I really want to start a tradition of seeing a horror flick on Christmas Day. I love movies with horror flicks being close to my favorite genre, so it encompasses two of my favorites things on a day filled with love, so the movie isn't AS scary.

Anyway, we just went and saw Darkness. It didn't elicit any screams out of me, which is how I tend to judge horror movies. So it was sorta a dude on the scary side but marginally entertaining. It is definitly a "save your money and wait for it to come out in video" movie.

Happy Accidents

2004-12-25T17:40:00.000-08:00

I got 2 copies of it for Christmas!! Know I have 2 copies of the movie that has helped inspire me so much in dealing with the issues associated with my broken brain.

Today's Happy Accident: The movie "Happy Accidents"

I'm and X-Box Widow

2004-12-25T17:31:00.000-08:00

Our good friends Princess and Tool Man wanted the same thing Turtle and I did (well, really Turtle): A X-Box adapter to connect to X-Box live. Now the three of them can be miles and miles and miles away and play Halo II, along with 400,000 other people all over the world.

Turtle is getting bleary eyed and I think we've only exchanged a few sentences since he hooked it all up. That might be a slight exaggeration, but you get the point!

Food For A Broken Brain

2004-12-22T15:15:00.000-08:00

One of the issues with having a broken brain is pesky little cognitive concerns. For instance, I forget things in a weird way, with a new level of frequency. So, I've been feeding my broken brain with crossword puzzles, which in general I suck at! However, I learned that the key to solving a crossword puzzle is a crossword puzzle dictionary. Now, I ROCK at crosswords. Okay, so I'm still pretty suckie but at least they're less frustrating and way more fun. I can even solve them without cheating anymore {{giggles}}.

Today's Happy Accident: Feeding my broken brain.