Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Eye Blink

I woke up just now with my heart racing and tears in my eyes. I rolled over and snuggled closer with my beautiful Turtle love and cried. I'm so scared about what today could bring, how bad will it be?

I have always found it surreal how your life reality can change in the blink of an eye and I really wish that I didn't have time to ponder my blink. Nine and a half more hours before the blink happens for me.....I just want the eye blink to happen.

At 1:00 pm today I will get the definitive diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis although my neurologist is already 95% sure that's what I have. Hopefully today I will know what category/stage/type of MS I have, my prognosis, treatment options and basically what my life will look like moving forward. There is so much hope if I'm facing the best case scenario and everything in me is screaming that I will be getting great news today, but it really pisses me off that I can't get that little seed of doubt to leave the very depths of my soul.

I've done fairly well at turning this over to whatever is greater than me: God, creative energy, the light....I'll just sit with turning the fear over as well. I Know that I'm so surrounded by love and so many people are holding me up in prayers, light and love that the only possible result for today is good! I believe it with all my essence, and maybe there is even a chance that I don't have MS and this past 5 days has been a bad dream. I can foster a little hope in my heart, right?

Nine more hours to go before the blink...


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