Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Love / Hate Relationship with Anti-depressants.

It's amazing how good it feels to be engaging in life again. For the last several years I've felt like a bystander watching all the happenings from the safety of my living room couch. Envious of the people out there DOING and yet quite happy curled up in the safety of my turtle shell, often feeling too exhausted to contemplate the next day let alone able to scrape together any motivation to do a simple thing like shower everyday.

The uncomfortableness of the envy finally out-weighed the comfortableness of nothingness and I've propelled myself towards DOING again. Let me tell ya something, this process of re-engaging has been much tougher then I thought it would be. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with the amount of things that NEED to be done, in conjunction with the things I WANT to do.

This will probably amaze some of you, but the biggest change I've made in my life is to STOP taking an anti-depressant. I know, I know, it seems intuitive that an anti-depressant would actually help some of the depressed behavior I was exhibiting, but my truth is that it doesn't.

I want to make it clear that I'm speaking of MY experience with anti-depressants and my observations of how the drugs affect my body chemistry. I, in no way am advocating any type of position about these drugs. (Okay, pesky disclaimer done.)

I've been on anti-depressants on and off for close to ten years. Right after the diagnosis of my broken brain, I was prescribe some one again. Truthfully, it was the right decision at the time because confronting the realities of living with MS is pretty fucking scary. At the time I didn't think it would be a long term use, but it was just really easy to keep taking them for the last three years.

It's really a love / hate relationship that I have with the drug. It truly does help combat that overwhelming sense of blackness but the perpetually grey is not much better.

Happy Accident: Weaning myself off of unnecessary drugs. At least I hope they're unnecessary.


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