Thursday, January 27, 2005

Blah, blah, blicky, blah

It's been a very difficult week. I quite stupidly, stopped taking my prozac cold turkey. I didn't stop crying for two days. Today my period started, which basically means I triple whammied myself by quitting the prozac, while PMS'ing. UGH!!!

My right knee has really been plaguing me. It keeps buckling on me and I keep falling. I had an MRI this afternoon and as I was driving home had a minor panic attack. I'm in fear that the orthopedist is going to call me with really bad news, just like my neurologist did after the first MRI of my brain.

Turtle has assured me that he can think of no reason why they would need to amputate my leg, but the irrational thought keeps running through my broken brain.

Mostly, I've been super pissed off. I had to work very hard to learn good coping skills and how to take care of myself in loving ways when these dark moods hit me. Now, because of my broken brain, I can't do them. For instance, I can't bawl my eyes out in a steaming hot shower. My knee is such a mess, I can't spend spend 45 minutes on the stair master exhausting the anger out of me.

I feel like a petulant five-year-old because I just keep pouting and stubbornly say NO to trying new things. I just don't want to yet, it just feels like too much to give up and too many changes.

So, this week the happy accident I'm celebrating is self-pity. Which, I typically hate. But since having a moment hasn't been enough, I'll indulge in a few days and then move on.


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