Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Happiness = anxiety

Turtle went to a Padres game with some of the guys. It's the first time I've been home with River all by my lonesome. I must say, it is quite exhausting not letting a 10-week old puppy out of sight! I will be happy when River is potty trained.

The heat is still miserable. I was looking forward to work just for the air conditioning. As it turns out, there was a power outage over the weekend and the AC never kicked back on. I was in sweltering heat for over an hour before the AC was fixed. I ended up coming home early because that intense heat just wiped me out, again.

Finally, River has conked out. He has two speeds, Hyper drive and off with nothing in between.

I'm trying to figure out why I've been so despondent the last few days, I'm sure the heat is part of it. I feel a little better today, but still fairly anxious. In a weird way some of my anxiety is because I'm happy, or at least feeling secure and stable. It feels like life has given me so much good stuff, along with hurling me some real crap this year. I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, and based upon everything that has happened this year, it’ll probably fall HARD!

Just another one of those fucked up conundrums....being happy causes anxiety. Sheesh...I really need to stop thinking so much.

Anyway, I'm just going to turn this all over to whatever is greater than myself and know that all will work out, as it should.

Today's Happy Accident: Discovering the wonders and joys of fairies.


Blogger Hope said...

Dear Luna,
I have spent sometime this morning with your Blogs. I read the one on Obituaries and it touched me. I was really ill a few years ago, it could have killed me but it didn't. I have gotten mostly completely well. I know that unless there is a medical miracle you may not. But I remember that feeling, of is this all, have I done enough to be remembered, what do I leave here. One of my dearest friends at my previous place of employment had MS and I watched her struggle with it daily. She was taking some kind of shot once a week and if she had to work that day, she was so weak she could not function. But, the shots work and she is doing well, raising her sons, loving her granddaughter and being a wonderful person. That is pretty much all we can do... Live... to the fullest, until we don't.
My thoughts are with you...may you find wisdom, strength and peace on your journey.

10:10 AM  

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