Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Our New Beastie!

Introducing River. The newest addition to our family.

River is 9 weeks old and just the cutest little boy in the whole wide world! He's a rat terrier, which looks just like a Jack Russell but he''ll be smaller. Cirque and Boy are a little bitter {{giggles}} but not as freaked out as Turtle and I expected them to be. They've actually begun to sniff him and only puff up when River tries to sniff back. So far there has been minimal hissing and growling but most of the time Cirque and Boy keep their distance. I think in a few weeks they'll all be the best of friend!

I'll have pictures of him up on the website in the next day or two.Posted by Hello

Sunday, August 29, 2004


For my lunch hour on Friday, I went to the courtyard deli. The building that I work in has a wonderful courtyard. It’s an open-air rectangle with umbrella tables and chairs all around the perimeter. It has the perfect combination of glorious sunlight and refreshing shade. The spot just radiates peacefulness to me and escaping for an hour at lunchtime is a relaxing luxury that I’ve begun to allow myself.

As I was standing in line to place my order, I noticed a discarded newspaper sitting at an empty table. The San Diego section was at the top of the stack and I scanned the headlines. After I had placed my order, I noticed that the table was still empty with the newspaper still sprawled on top. I opted to sit inside and read the paper instead of my usual spot out in the courtyard.

I love reading the editorial page, especially the letters to the editor. I tend to read the editorial page first and then scan through headlines for articles of interest. As I was skimming through the paper to the editorial section I felt compelled to stop at the obituaries. The first obituary was for a 37-year-old man who had succumbed to cancer. My eyes watered up as I felt the loss and love of the family he left behind.

I couldn’t stop reading. It became a compulsion to read every single one. As I was reading I began to wonder about my own obituary. How long will it be before one is written for me? Who will write it? What will be said? How many strangers will read it?

I was bewildered by the very powerful, almost epiphanic, experience I was having. I began to feel honored that I had the opportunity to read these obituaries and be a part of acknowledging the life of the deceased.

I guess I feel like my obituary will be proof of my existence. It will transcend me and say, “See, I lived.” I want my existence to matter and most of all I want people to know that I’ve lived after I’m gone: Even if it is something as seemingly insignificant as an obituary. How weird is that?

Today’s Happy Accident: Turtle and I decided to get a puppy!

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Great Big Scratch Pad

I’ve been really lucky because I have such good beasties that aren’t into clawing up carpeting and furniture. I create designated scratch areas for them and then gently communicate to them where they can find their scratch toys for optimum claw sharpening pleasure. Well, I should say I’ve been successful with Cirque--who is the smartest cat in the whole wide world. Boy, on the other hand, comes really close to getting it and claws right in front of the scratch toys, which is not good for the carpet. To help Boy, I put Berber carpet floor mats in front of the scratch toys in their special scratch areas, so that when Boy missed he would scratch the mat instead.

Did I mention to you that my new home has Berber carpeting? Now, Cirque has NEVER scratched where she shouldn’t. (Except for the time when the beasties decided to destroy Turtle’s office chair, but that’s another story.) A week or so after we moved in, I noticed Cirque was sharpening her claws willy-nilly and completely ignoring the designated clawing area. No matter how many times I took her too the special scratching area, she keeps scratching wherever she wants too!

Feeling very frustrated I mentioned this to Turtle and he says, “You know, the carpet probably feels the same to them as the Berber mats.” “Yeah,” I replied. Turtle pointed out to me that the Beasties are probably thinking, “Cool, mom and dad moved into a house with one great big scratch pad!” The beasties probably think I’m a pretty cool and smart mom to do that for them.

Hhhhmmm….back to the drawing board. I guess I can get different floor mats to put in front of the designated scratching area. Maybe then, they’ll get the idea again. Anyone got any ideas?

Today’s Happy Accident: Remembering the simplicity in life and great big scratch pads.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

I Got Me A Poker Player

Turtle won $1,600 in a Texas Hold 'em Tournament today! I'm so proud and happy that we'll be able to pay the mortgage this month! {{giggles}}

It's beginning to dawn on me that I'm getting old. I saw a license plate that read 2ill4U. The first thoughts that popped into my head were, "What your brain is more broken then mine?" And I'm thinking to myself, "Gee, what a statement. Wouldn't it suck if you really were too ill for me, that means your pretty fucked up!" {{giggles}} I'm outta touch with the current hip vernacular, when did that happen?

I figure that this guy is really attempting to say that he's too cool for me. Am I the only one that just thinks it's really stupid? I just seems so trivial too be concerned about what's cool and hip, but then I'm the one with the broken brain and a shifting in priorities, the rest of the world isn't.

Today's Happy Accident: Not caring about being cool, hip, trendy, etc.

Monday, August 23, 2004


Turtle, Princess, and ToolMan have all been addicted to an X-Box game called Halo. I've worked very hard to resist the pull of the game; I've been strong for MONTHS. Finally, the game has gotten the better of me and won. I'm corrupted; I've become a Halo addict. At least Steve-a-reeno was corrupted at the same time, so there is someone else that is as suckie at the game as I am. We've even been teaming up just trying to kill Turtle once and we STILL can't kill him! It's frustrating to try to play with someone who is so much better then I am. I'm NOT a gracious loser, see the bruises on Turtles arm for proof. {{giggles}}

Today's Happy Accident: Discovering new addictions.

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Adrenaline Rush

www.k1speed.com is the place to go for amazing go-kart racing fun. Turtle and I went yesterday and had a total blast. Of course I was one of the slowest in our race, but I wasn’t far behind Turtle and that’s all that really matters!

We had so much fun we decided to hold his birthday bash there. When you have a group of 10 or more you can have your very own Grand Prix with trophies and all. I’m working out the details so I’ll email everyone with the 411 when I have it.

It’s been a fairly quite weekend. We pay-per-viewed “Butterfly Effect.” Ashton Kutcher is so yummy and the movie was pretty good as well. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change things, but then would I be the person I am today without the life experiences that have shaped me? Interesting noodle twister to ponder some.

Today’s Happy Accident: Adrenaline rush. I want to experience more of those.

Friday, August 20, 2004

Poke vs. Prick

Turtle and I were both in the kitchen preparing our evening supper. As I reached into the refrigerator to grab one of my injections, I asked Turtle “Do you wanna poke me tonight?” With his back to mine, Turtle replied, “But it’s that time of the month for you dear.” As we turned around to face each other, I held up my injection and tartly responded, “I meant my shot.” A startled look crossed his face and he said “Oh.” I giggled and rephrased, “He baby, wanna prick me tonight?”

My broken brain has helped us establish the difference between a poke and a prick. {{LOL}}

Today’s Happy Accident: Someone to poke me…umm, I meant prick. Really, I did.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

My Horoscope For The Week

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You haven't been singing and dancing and laughing and playing enough lately. You haven't been telling yourself jokes as you drop off to sleep or leaping off the couch during the exciting parts of your favorite TV shows or going ten miles out of your way to track down the exotic sensation you're in the mood for. Either get more serious about having fun, Cancerian, or I swear I'll show up in your dreams in the form of a giant crab running amok in a place where you take everything too seriously.

Well you don't have to tell me twice! {{giggles}}

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

At Last

At last the road to recovery has truly begun. It's 9:00 pm and I've been up since 4:30 am with no nap in between. Not only that, but I got home a half hour ago and have water my flowers; done the dishes; cleaned the cat box; sorted through mail and given myself my injection. All of that in a half hour!

I'm pretty exhausted now, but so excited about the great full day I've had. This makes the third day in a row that I haven't needed to nap. Hopefully my body has recovered from the MS episode and now I can get on with creating a healthy life that will keep my brain from breaking any further!

Today's Happy Accident: Feeling the excitment of embarking upon a new journey

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Re-evaluating Life

I got to spend the afternoon with my Mommy and Aunt CandyCane. I haven’t had the chance to spend quality time with them since I returned from Ohio, so it was a much-needed visit.

While at lunch, our conversation turned very philosophical (it almost always does) and we began to discuss our life meanings and purposes. I was sharing with them the huge shift in my consciousness and what a profound experience I’ve had confronting my mortality. Both my Mom and Aunt have had cancer and have had to confront their mortality in a similar way and they began to share their experience with me. It turns out that all three of us walked away with a completely different new meaning and purpose for life in the re-evaluation process. I found it really cool that we each had powerful shifts in consciousness that is completely unique too each of us. It further solidified for me what an incredible and positive experience my broken brain has been. I truly would not be discovering so much about myself in not for it. My broken brain is the perfect example of a happy accident, as weird as that sounds.

Today’s Happy Accident: Learning to embrace my destiny.

Saturday, August 14, 2004

Patience Pays. 1 Mile To Passing.

I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the road sign that says, “Patience pays. 1 mile to passing.” The only time I’ve seen it is while traveling along Highway 1 from Key West to Miami. It’s mostly a two-lane road, and I guess there are a lot of road rage induced head on collisions with people getting frustrated by slow poke drivers. Ever since my ranting post on Wednesday this phrase has been repeating itself over and over inside my broken brain.

I think one of the lessons the Universe is attempting to teach me is to be more patient and I’ve come to realiz that sometimes I just don’t have a lot of it. While focusing on the concept of patience, I realized that my broken brain isn’t the only thing currently happening in my life that I need to be patient about. Come to think of it, I really think the Universe is trying to slam home a point. {{giggles}}

My introspection is showing me that one of my strongest coping mechanisms is action. When I’m unhappy about something or have a problem, I formulate a plan and then work on the execution. Typically this has always meant immediate action to get me out of what is making me uncomfortable or unhappy.

I’m attempting to change the picture I have of problem solving and look at it more like goal setting. I’m realizing that it’s okay to look farther down the road; stay in an uncomfortable place for a little while longer--so that I can get to an even better resolution--than to take quick action that might result in less effective results. In other words, “Patience pays.”

Thankfully, I’m feeling much better and am actually impressed with how fast I’ve kicked this cold. Go body, go! I know that my body is getting stronger and that I’m on the road to getting healthier. It’s really not such a bad thing to take the process of getting healthy slowly to ensure that I do it right than to push it and cause more problems down the road.

Today’s happy accident: My broken brain is helping me learn to be patient.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004


Getting a fucking cold is absolutely the last straw!! I cannot tell you how frustrated I’ve been feeling and how much self-pity I’ve been wallowing in for the past two days!! The neurologist tells me my brain is broken and I didn’t once fall into the “why me” trap. But this cold has pushed me over the edge! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

I want to do more then go to work and come home and sleep. I have a projects list a mile long that I can’t get to because all I do is work and sleep! ENOUGH!!! I want my life again.

The good news is I am feeling a little better today, but not well enough fast enough, darn-it! {{little giggle}}

Today’s Happy Accident: Frustration. There must be something to celebrate in this massive feeling of frustration; I just haven’t figured it out yet. I’ll simply allow myself to feel it and it will come to me, it has too or insanity will follow. {{giggles}}

Monday, August 09, 2004

Sniffle, Sniffle

{{sniff}} I hab a cold in ma nose {{sniff}}

Woke up with a stuffy head. I'm proud of myself because I managed to work all day. I'm going to back to bed, these three sentences is about all I can muster. {{giggles}}

Sunday, August 08, 2004

Missing A Friend

It’s been a mixed weekend. It started off great, an informal dinner at Red’s and O’s. Red is a fabulous cook and they have the greatest outdoor set-up. They invited another couple over that Turtle and I hadn’t met before, so it was a nice mix of old friends and new.

Red and I have been friends for over 10 years and there is just something so easy and special about the connection. It’s great having that history with someone, sharing inside jokes, the gentle teasing. I love her and am so thankful for her!

Saturday morning we went to my Mommies to help her and Jaybird connect their DVD player, VCR and cable box into their new television. The TV is super cool; I don’t remember what it’s called but it’s something in between a rear projection and plasma.

Mommy and Jaybird had family over that I hadn’t had the opportunity too meet before. It was another experience of connecting with new people that was wonderful. At one point the woman folk were cooking in the kitchen and we got into an extended conversation about my broken brain and how I was coping.

Topics of the conversation got me talking about my therapist, Ann, who died a little over a year ago. My relationship with Ann spanned almost a decade. In the first few years I would see her at least once a week, sometimes two, and in the last few years I would drop in from time-too-time for what I referred to as my mental health check-ups. The first thing I would ask her is “Am I crazy yet?” She always replied, “We’ll worry about that the day you don’t ask the question.” {{giggles}}

I miss her so much, especially right now. I wish I could talk to her about my broken brain. Ann always had a way of making me feel normal when I felt completely crazy. She had a unique ability to ask me the right question and then synthesize a concept in a sentence to drive home the exact thing I needed to hear. So much of who I am today is because of her help and guidance.

Saturday night I woke up with some of the worst menstrual cramps I’ve had in years. It hurt so bad I was doubled over and crying. Turtle grabbed the ibuprofen, the heating pad and then rubbed my back for me. Of course the heating pad got the whole heat drunk thing going but that was better then the cramps.

Today (Sunday) has been spent mostly in bed reading or sleeping. I’ve found a new sleep aide in the heating pad. It puts me out like a light in about 15 minutes. The heat drunk experience is so weird. So, I’ve been a little bummed out and cranky today. I had such aspirations for the day that went unrealized. Oh well, that’s what happens sometimes. Laundry, bills, sorting through boxes in storage can all wait for another day.

Today’s Happy Accident: My time with Ann.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

I Got Drunk...

…from taking a bubble bath. I’m totally not joking! I think I’ve told many of you that heat does very strange things to someone who has a broken brain. I remember when my neurologist told me I needed to avoid heat: Things like saunas, Jacuzzis, steam rooms, hot baths. I thought to myself, “yeah right! I’m not giving up my bubble baths.”

Well, about a week later San Diego was it with a heat wave and I had my first real profound experience with heat. First the fingertips in my left hand go numb, then the tinglies in my legs start, followed by my face flushing. Lastly, I get VERY tired. After having this experience a few times, I began to realize my neurologist wasn’t full of shit when she said to avoid heat.

I had a moment of self-pity over losing my bubble bath abilities because bubble baths are absolutely one of my most favorite things in the whole wide world! Bubble baths are an especially effective panacea for my menstrual cramps (okay, I know, too much information).

Well, today I absolutely would not be denied a bubble bath! I got home from work after an extremely exhausting and stressful day and figured since I was already so tired and had the tinglies the bubble bath couldn’t make things worse.

It turns out I was right! It didn’t make things worse…errr…or maybe it did: I guess it depends on how you look at it. After about 10-15 minutes luxuriating in marshmallow soft bubbles I started to get that relaxed feeling very similar to when after I’ve imbibed in a good glass of champagne. My limbs got very heavy and I realized I wasn’t going to be able to get out of the tub unassisted.

I promptly called for Turtle’s help and when he came into the bathroom, I got the giggles. I looked at my Love and started to laugh because I felt so drunk and it was on a bubble bath. The sensation lasted for the 10 – 15 minutes it took my body to cool down and then I was stone sober again. How cool is that? I can get a temporary drunk without worrying about a hangover or any other negative side affects.

Today’s Happy Accident: Bubble baths. Although I may not be able to take them everyday like I used too, it was wonderful to discover that from time-to-time I can get drunk taking one. {{giggles}}

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

One-month Check-up

It’s been a little over a month since the diagnosis of my broken brain. Gosh, it still feels like it was yesterday, and yet, it feels like forever at the same time. Gotta love those dichotomies!

Dr. Wang, my neurologist, says I’m doing great! We’re working on a few things to help with the fatigue; I’m actually missing the nervous energy of the prednisone. No, I didn’t just say that…did I? No! Blick on prednisone, even if it did give me some energy all the other ickies aren’t worth it!!! So, barring any worsening of symptoms or new and unusual ones, I won’t see her again for 3 months. And, of course I’m going to be absolutely in perfect health and so won’t see her any sooner!! I’m willing it!

Work was stressful today and, as usual, I’m exhausted. I didn’t even get my afternoon nap in. I feel so deprived! I’ve watered and loved up my flowers and the beasties. Turtle has left for the gym. I’m off to bed; 4:30 a.m. comes quickly.

Today’s Happy Accident: My favorite song: “Summertime Rolls” by Jane’s Addiction. It always makes me feel happy, even when I’m stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on Hwy 5.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

The Village

Turtle and I went to see “The Village” tonight. We had a pleasant surprise when we got to the movie theatre and discovered that on Tuesdays, all day, the price of admission is only $4.00. Woo hoo, we felt like we had won the lottery {{giggles}}.

It was a good movie and rates a 7 on the entertainment factor. It was a little disappointing for an M. Night Shyamalan flick, but I’m not sure he’ll ever be able to shock and surprise the way he did in “The Sixth Sense.” There was a really cool line in the movie about running towards hope. Since my brain broke, I’ve been feeling so much hope and love that the phrase really resonated with me. Henceforth, running towards hope is going to be a new life quote for me.

I think I might be on to something to help my fatigue and body clock issue. When I get home from work I’m fairly exhausted. Today I took another two-hour nap after work. This pushes my bedtime out to about 10:00 p.m. and I’m not too tired in the morning when I get up. We’ll see if this becomes the trend.

Today’s Happy Accident: Discovering a new life quote.

Monday, August 02, 2004


Well, it’s looking more and more like my fatigue issues are related to my broken brain and not all the medications I’ve been on. In fact, as the prednisone nervous energy is wearing off I’m struggling more and more.

When I got home from work today, I took a two-hour nap. I get to this point were I just can’t keep my eyes open and I HAVE to sleep. My body issues an imperative command, “sleeeep…you must sleeeeep…..sleeeep,” and I must obey.

I’m frustrated because this only further messes up my body clock. Here it is 8:10 and my bedtime is 8:30 and, of course, I’m wide-awake. I’m so dreading the alarm clock going off at 4:30 a.m., you can’t imagine how hard it is to get out of bed. UGH! Oh well.

Today’s Happy Accident: Pink. For no other reason then it’s my favorite color and should be celebrated!

Sunday, August 01, 2004


Turtle and I went to Vegas this weekend to meet up with some of his friends that were visiting in Vegas for a business/pleasure trip. We had such a great time but I haven’t been able to blog since Thursday evening. I’ve missed my daily writing. In such a short time it has become an integral part of my coping mechanism. Being able to blab all the random thoughts that spew out of my broken brain is so therapeutic. It’s almost like being able to tune out the commercials, which allows me to concentrate and really get into the show I’m watching. Blogging helps me focus on what needs my attention and not just the garbage floating around in my skull.

Vegas was a blast. I feel in love with the Venetian, it’s magnificent! We mostly gambled and hung out at The Hard Rock Hotel. Hard Rock has a much mellower and less casino’ish feel to me. I really enjoyed the atmosphere.

I spent most of this afternoon researching about my broken brain. Heat has become the enemy and I finally understand why. It feels good to understand this very strange phenomenon that has had me perplexed for several weeks now.

I also finally find all the nutritional and vitamin information that I’ve been seeking. Next, I need to find a good Pilates and Yoga class. If anyone has any Yoga info please email me. I need a gentle Yoga, not the hot one. Heat = BAD! I’m still not sure which style I need but I think I need something like Iyengar.

This next week I’m going to try to incorporate swimming into my routine. Swimming is very good for my body and works well with a broken brain. It is key that I keep my core body temperature from overheating and any exercise regimen I begin has to factor in heat.

I got into some fear again while doing my researching. Sometimes I get so scared when I think about what could happen to me. Scanning message board topics with headlines like “Bowl and Bladder Control Problems – Help,” really freaks me out. I think, “Holy shit, it’s possible that one day I may lose control of my bowels? How freakin gross is that?”

Today’s Happy Accident To Celebrate: Turtle listening and allowing my fears and then helping me get back into a positive frame of mind.