Wednesday, July 28, 2004

My Last Day

Yippeee…wooohoooo…..yeah!!!  Today I took my LAST prednisone!  Thank you Jesus, I’ve been saved!  Bye-bye prednisone crazies; so long perpetual bitch.  You’re all things of the past!!  Everyday from here on out it just gets better and better.  Now I just have to work on never needing to take the awful wonder drug again and I’m up to that challenge.

I had a grrrlie night evening, one sorely needed and sorely missed!  It was so wonderful and a great gift for me.  M&M gave me a great visualization when I was explaining how Copaxone works.  She said, “It’s like having your own bodyguards protecting you.”  It’s the perfect visualization -- and is especially timely -- because I’ve been struggling to grasp the “perfect” visualization as I move into this next phase of healing.

I was also pleased to hear about my friends reading my blog.  I can’t explain how happy it makes me to know that people read.  It’s an incredibly special gift to me.  Maybe it’s validation or confirmation that I’m living.  It helps me feel more alive.  Maybe this will be my immortality.  Since my brain broke, I’ve thought about these things a bit more.  I bet you couldn’t guess that.  {{giggles}}.

Today’s Happy Accident To Celebrate:  My blog and all the people that read it!  I would never have started this if my brain hadn’t broke.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

All Worked Up Over Nothing

Today was my first scheduled follow-up appointment with my neurologist since the diagnosis of my broken brain.  As my workday ended and I was straightening up and getting ready to leave, that rubber band ball of anxiety started to knot up in the depths of my stomach.  I kept hearing her say in my head, “Let’s give you more prednisone.” 

So, off to Oceanside Turtle and I go to meet with Dr. W, only to get there and find out that they were expecting me at the Encinitas office.  Not sure who’s oppsie that was but at least I had a moment of instant relief. {{giggles}}  At least I have a one-week reprieve even if my anxiety is irrational!

I’m starting to find my new rhythm, getting into my new routine.  It feels good.  LunaFemme is starting to get her groove back.

Today’s Happy Accident To Celebrate:  Appointment mix-ups, even if they are only a temporary delay in the inevitable.  LOL

Monday, July 26, 2004

Dental Phobic

For the most part, I consider myself a mostly brave person.  However, when it comes to the dentist I turn into a simpering whimp.  I almost always cry and the thing I hate the most, more than anything else, is having my teeth cleaned!!  It’s that whole nail down the chalkboard sensation that just KILLS me.

I’m so, so, so, glad that I have the coolest, awesomest, incrediblest dentist in the whole wide world.  We have discovered the secret to getting me through a teeth cleaning without tears and gnarly anxiety.  The secret you ask…Novocain!  They numb my gums and then the hygienist can scrap away no problemo.  I still object to the ultra sound thingie, even numbed up, so the hygienist has to work a little harder but not much.  The other secret is that I go quarterly and rotate between my uppers and lowers so I don’t have to be in the chair long.

I’m so proud of myself; I went to the dentist today and didn’t cry!  Yippee for me!  AND, I’ve been even less bitchy today!  Perpetual bitch was around for several hours last night, but I’m happy to report that I haven’t seen her all day today.  I’m hoping she’s gone for good.  Keep your fingers crossed!!

I broke my toe on Friday at Princess’ and Tool man’s casa.  OUCHIE!  It’s not too bad and I was even able to squish my foot into heels for work today.  The scary thing was that the longer I was in heels the better my toe felt.  Now that I’ve been home for a while and my shoes have been off, it’s starting to throb again.  Doesn’t that seem really weird?

Today’s Happy Accident To Celebrate:  Dr. Johnson, DDS and Novocain.

Saturday, July 24, 2004

Down To A Half

Do you know what today is?  Yes, it IS July 24 but that’s not the answer I’m looking for.  Wanna guess again??  Okay, okay, I’ll tell ya.  Today is the first day that I took half a prednisone!  That means I only have FOUR more days to go!  YYIIIPPPEEE….woohoo…yeah!!!!!

I began to notice a subtle calming yesterday.  Perpetual bitch mode is thawing to an occasional bitch and I’m not quite as hungry as I’ve been.  I’m finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and getting into a much better headspace because of it!!

I talk with my mommy almost every day but it’s been almost two weeks since I last saw her.  I realized I’m missing mommy hugs.  I got very spoiled seeing her during all this craziness and getting lots and lots of hugs.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to see her soon and get a great big hug.

My flowers are doing very well, I’m happy to report.  I’m noticing new growth on all of them.  It’s so exciting watching my babies grow.  Aunt CandyCane is coming over tomorrow to help me repot the rose tree and bush, while Turtle and the crew are playing in a Texas Hold ‘em tournament.

Well, we’re off to see Bourne Supremacy.  I hope it’s as good as it looks.  I’m going out on a limb and giving it an 8; let’s see if it lives up to expectations.

Today’s Happy Accident To Celebrate:  Mommy’s hugs, cuz you can never have enough.

Thursday, July 22, 2004


I haven’t quite gotten into my new routine since returning to work.  Actually, I think I’ve been lacking a solid routine since I started the new job.  (Did I mention I JUST started a new job 5 months ago and I was on a medical leave for almost a month?) 

So, I’ve been trying to get a consistent routine going.  I’ve been very good about loving my flowers everyday, my daily injections and pretty good about posting every night.  I’ve become very good at being an utter bitch every night and needing an hour nap but I’m hoping this only lasts for 6 more days {{giggles}}.

I still haven’t worked in my exercise time or my daily study time for the Series 7 exam.  I’m waiting for Perpetual Bitch and crazy modes to pass before I stress about it too much.  However, I start looking at my time management and wonder how I’m going to fit everything in?  I need a plan people, so send suggestions and ideas!!

I am happy to report that I was a little less bitchy tonight and amazingly less tired.  I felt amazingly wonderful this morning after almost 11 hours of solid sleep and found the day much easier to navigate.  I think I’m going to try to get 10 hours of sleep tonight and see how that works for me.

Today’s Happy Accident To Celebrate:  I had to think about this really, really, hard today and dig real deep.  Today I’m going to celebrate confrontations and learning how to handle them in a healthy way. 

The lovely LunaFemme Posted by Hello

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Perpetual Bitch Mode

The prednisone crazies have mostly passed and I find myself in perpetual bitch mode.  I just can’t seem to shake the need to hurl things against the wall or rip someone’s head off.  I’m quite proud of my ability to maintain my composure at work, but by the time I get home the beast is unfurled and no about of food or soothing by Turtle seems to pacify the writhing furor that I’ve spent most of the day tampering down and controlling. 
I’m undecided as too which is worse: The prednisone crazies or the prednisone perpetual bitch mode.  Poor Turtle, I try very hard to not direct my bitchiness towards him and he truly needs to be ordained to Angel status because of his patience, but I catch that tone in my voice when I say something to him and I just cringe inside.  {{Heavy sigh}} only 7 more days to go and then I’m off of this godforsaken drug!
I’m too cranky to even think of a Happy Accident to celebrate today.  Now I KNOW I’ve just crossed some bitch threshold and I just don’t care!

Monday, July 19, 2004

And The Hits Just Keep On Coming

Turtle returned to work today and on an 8:00 a.m. company wide conference called found out that his company has been sold and is downsizing its work force by 22%.  Later this afternoon he received the phone call that he is one of the 22%.
I’ve actually stayed really positive and haven’t freaked out too much.  I had one good freak out phone conversation with my Mommy and think that was the therapy needed to get into a good mental spot about this.  But, after everything that has happened since the first of this year, it is hard to not let a little self-pity and anger at the Universe to creep in.  I mean, come on already; couldn’t my MS have been the final straw for my loved ones!  Does shit HAVE to keep being thrown at my family and me?  All I can say in all of this is, that since January 1st of this year my family and I have burned off one hell of a lot of bad karma!!
Okay, rant done!  It just helps so much to purge myself of these negatives thoughts.  I can now take a deep cleansing breath and move on!  I know in my heart-of-hearts that this is a good thing and that the Universe is moving Turtle and I in the direction that we need to be in to fulfill all our needs and dreams.  Ultimately this will be a positive and will mean even more happiness in our already blissful and truly blessed existence.  I’m meditating on that and have turned it all over to what is greater than myself and that feels really good!
I checked all my beautiful flowers today and they’re doing great!  The roses even perked up a little from being moved.  Coming home to my flowers was such a wonderful gift.
Today’s Happy Accident:  I took a nap this afternoon all by myself with no medication help and it was fantabulous.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

Two Beautiful Things

First is Flowers and second is TURTLE IS HOME!  He just landed and Princess and Tool Man are picking him up to bring him home to me!  In about another half-hour I’m going to be getting great big squishes!!  AND, I’ll get squished in tonight when I go to bed and I’ve been seriously squished deprived after 5 nights of Turtle being away!
I think my little temper tantrum last night was very therapeutic although I was a little tired today {{giggles}}.  I had a wonderful day today!  I spent most of the day with my Aunt CandyCane gardening.  My Aunt is amazing with flowers and she started 6 different pots for me to put out by my front door.  We spent the afternoon at Home Depot buying all the tools and supplies I’ll need to keep them looking beautiful; and, I bought a rose tree (it’s blood red) and a pale yellow rose bush for the upstairs balcony.
I LOVED learning all about the flowers.  Watering, feeding, pruning, sunlight, shade, etc.  I hope Aunt CandyCane can teach me to have a green thumb too!  Flowers are just so amazing.
Today’s Happy Accidents are:  Learning the beauty and joy in gardening with my Aunt CandyCane and reunions!

Saturday, July 17, 2004


For the first time since my brain broke, I’ve been experiencing some real anger.  I’ve run a gauntlet of emotions; I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I’m finally getting pissed about it!
It’s past 11:00 p.m. and I’m wide-awake.  I know it’s past my bedtime, I know I should go to sleep, I know this is messing up my body clock and yet, I stubbornly sit here on the computer surfing the web and goofing off because I just can’t bring myself to go to bed!  I don’t want to go to sleep!  I’m so pissed off at how tired I am and how hard it is to sleep at the same time.  I don’t want to sleep half my life away, especially now when it seems so important to experience every moment and be totally present.  I can’t help but wondering if my energy levels will ever return to normal and that just really pisses me off!!!
Okay, rant over time to think of my Happy Accident to celebrate for the day.  Today’s Happy Accident is one of my best friends Steve-a-reeno, who took me birthday shopping today!  AND, because of the above rant I will celebrate that I have 12 AWESOME hours a day and look forward to each hour I can add, as I get stronger!  How’s that for the glass is half full {{giggles}}.  

Friday, July 16, 2004

This Week's Horoscope

CANCER (June 21-July 22): To pump up their volume above the  prevailing human din, some nightingales in big cities have learned to unleash 95-decibel songs, matching the loudness of a chainsaw. I'd love to see you make a similar push, Cancerian, because let's face it: If your output remains at its current level, you'll continue to be half-invisible, never making the impact you should. So raise your intensity, please.   Whatever you've been doing to express your uniqueness, do it louder. However you've been contributing your beauty to the world, do it bigger.
I think I'll let my broken brain heal a little more first and then work on this!!!  Comments and suggestions on how I can contribute more beauty to the world and express more of my uniqueness would be greatly appreciated.

Retched Beasties

It’s amazing what 11 hours of sleep will do for a girl with a broken brain!  Now, if only the retched beasties – that’s my two cats, Cirque (sir-key) and Boy for those of you who don’t know them, would have let me sleep the full 11-hours, it would have been even better {{giggles}}.  Both of my sillies managed to get themselves exiled from the bedroom last night, which is highly unusual.  The topper was Cirque dropping her mousie on my chest at 3:30 a.m. waking me up too play fetch with her.  Yes, I have a cat whose favorite game in the whole wide world is fetch, and she’ll play with you for hours if you let her!  So, aside from some interruption in my sleep the 11-hours provided for a most excellent day, energy-wise: Although the day is starting to catch up with me a bit right now. 
I’m missing my Turtle Love fiercely, and feeling rather lonely tonight.  I’ve decided to watch Paycheck with Ben Affleck on Pay-per-view.  The timing of the flick coincides nicely with my bedtime and I’m working hard to stay on a regiment of regular sleep, good diet, etc.
One of the things that I’ve always felt was lacking in my constitution was self-discipline.  I’ve always done a good job at beating myself up for being lazy, procrastinating, and not controlling myself enough.  I’ve always considered it a fault and it is something that I’ve often wished I could overcome in myself.  Then my brain gets broken and a regular routine, stress management, etc all becomes vital to my well being.  All of a sudden I don’t have a choice about maintaining a schedule: And, surprise, surprise; finding the self-discipline to maintain it hasn’t been all that difficult.  This has caused me too ponder on the old “Be careful what you wish for,” cliché.
Today’s Happy Accident to Celebrate:  I knew I had a super cool boss and since my brain broke, I know it even more!  Also, working for a corporation that has INCREDIBLE health insurance.

Thursday, July 15, 2004


I had a more difficult time, energy-wise, today at work.  I got home and have just collapsed.  I'm a little bummed out because I thought my energy level was doing just a smudge bit better then maybe it is.  I guess my brain and body need a bit more loving care to fully heal and recover.
Today's Happy Accident To Celebrate:  Sleep!  Especially when I can go and get about 10 hours uninterrupted right now.
Sweet dreams everyone!

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

It Felt So Good

Today was my first full day back to work after a three-week medical leave. WOW! To experience being productive, useful and purposeful again was staggering. To finally feel like I’ve healed enough that my broken brain isn’t dictating and consuming all of my existence. Beginning the process of starting my “new” normalcy. And yes, I’m purposefully not using the control word--or saying I’m back in control--because I believe that control is an illusion in life. I simply try to make the best decisions I can with what life presents me with. I’m a much happier person with this philosophy.

I’ve also been having tons of fun rediscovering my independence. I’m not ashamed to admit how much fear I had traveling all by myself yesterday. Yesterday was the first time I’ve been on my own since my brain broke--with no one to lean on “Just in case.” I acknowledged my fear, turned it over to whatever is greater than I, and had a excellent time traveling alone. And although, I’m missing my Turtle desperately (already), I think these 5 days, standing alone on my own two feet, is going to help my psyche immensely.

My feelings are still whirling when I think back over my day today. I drove. I worked. I fed myself. I took care of myself. I’ll give myself my injection. Woo hoo….I’m starting to be a living, breathing, functioning human being again. And just three weeks again, I couldn’t even dial a telephone to wish my nephew happy birthday. Wow, what a difference a day makes to quote a horrible cliché. It’s almost been as cool as when I turned 21 and was could marvel in the fact that I was officially an adult.

Today’s Happy Accident to celebrate: Rediscovering my independence, like an 18-year-old all over again!

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Home Safe and Sound

I'm home from Ohio safe and sound. I haven't been able to get to a computer in a few days to journal and I've sorely missed it.

Quick Updates of Happy Accidents:
Yesterdays was fireflies and corn fields.

Today's Happy Accident was rediscovering my independence since my broken brain.

I'm exhausted and MUST off to beddie bye for me and I'll journal more tomorrow.

It's a big day, my first day back at work since my brain broke.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

My Little Girl

For some reason I've never really liked my "real" name, which is Theresa. Around the age of 12 or so, I decided that I wanted a nickname and informed everyone that from this point moving forward, I was to be called Trish! I just really liked that name and it seemed close enough to Theresa that it could be a nickname for it and I've never really looked back since.

The left brain / right brain exercise that Cea gave me is about talking to my little girl. She asked me what do I call her and I automatically said Trish. I realized yesterday, that's not true. My little girl is Theresa.

The epithany moment in all this is, it hit me like a ton of bricks that it's not so much that I don't like my name Theresa, it's that I didn't like the little girl Theresa. Like many of us, I had some ickiness when I was little and Theresa was powerless, unloveable, unlikeable and weak. Trish isn't those things (Yeah right!) {{giggles}}.

Since my broken brain, I've been being called Theresa a lot because that's my legal name. I think that's part of what's plugged in the whole mommy thing too.

What's cool is, I understand that I LOVE my name and I'm loving my little girl. My little girl is Theresa and I love her. That's today's happy accident to celebrate.

Saturday, July 10, 2004

Lunch With Cea

What an amazing essence of light and love Cea is. Another happy accident to celebrate, meeting Cea.

Cea was diagnosed with MS in 1977. She has lost vision in one of her eyes twice, has experience crippling pain on her left side and had to relearn how to speak. Today, she says she is MS free. Or, rather, that there is just not enough information about the disease for her to even be confident that the diagnosis was correct to begin with.

She credits her healing to holistic medicine, Ayurvedics, acupuncture, and all of course, and incredible mind-body connection. She gave me some amazing people to contact and a wonderful left brain / right brain exercise to start working on. I left lunch feeling so full of power and hope!

As usual, Universal Love sending me the perfect messenger at the perfect moment. My brain may be a little broken but I KNOW I will be able to keep it from breaking any further and can move forward with an even happier, healthier life.

I realized last night how much I was missing my mommy. I still need to chat with her everyday and feel the mommy / daughter connection. It actually feels good to know that I'm fortunate enough to have that.

I've given myself 2 copaxone injections so far. Turtle has held my hand while I did it both times. I'll only have his hand to hold for a few more days and then I'll have to do my injections all by myself for 5 days. We're not even apart yet and I'm missing him already just thinking of him being away from me for 5 days.

Today's Happy Accidents To Celebrate: Meeting Cea.

Friday, July 09, 2004

Vertigo and turbulence...

...don't mix. 'Nuff said. {{giggles}}

Thursday, July 08, 2004

The Copaxone Made It!

The Copaxone made it with plenty of time to spare. Thank you to FedEx, Chromimed, and Shared Solutions. Not to mention the fabulous staff at my neurologist's office.

My hands are shaking...Turtle and I are going to give me my first injection in about 10 minutes. GULP! I can do this!

Happy Accident To Celebrate: The science part of my healing process has begun! It's all up hill from here. And, the crankies of this morning are finally gone and I'm beginning to relax, okay only a little, but it is an improvement!


I’ve never been a high maintenance kinda gal (okay maybe medium maintenance), especially about my day-to-day appearance. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE to dress-up on those special occasions and know that I look stunning; it’s just never been a need for me in my everyday occasion.

That all seems to have changed for me since my brain broke. My favorite part of the day is right after my shower when I indulge myself with gently massaging my Clarins of Paris lotion on every inch of my body. I would never have allowed myself to lotion my body everyday before because this lotion is just way too expensive and, seriously, who has the time. I’m still revealing in the changes in my priorities since I found out that I have a broken brain.

So, I’ve been packing for the upcoming wedding and things that I would never have brought before I just simply can’t live without, even for only a few days {{giggles}}. And, of course, I had to power shop for just the right outfits so that I will be comfortable AND look stylish (thank you Princess for helping). New shoes that are better suited for someone who might get hit with mondo vertigo while on an airplane—for some reason my typical 3-inch heels just seem a tad bit intimidating these days!

And then, realizing the picture of my normal is changing and this is one of my major first experiences coping with the changing picture. Traveling with injectable needles and all that entails. Details, details, and more details.

Today’s happy accident to celebrate is carried over from last night. Because of my broken brain I’m loving myself more and learning to give myself a break. I wanted to add that I can take advantage of pre-boarding assistance, but Turtle says no! Sometimes he’s a spoilsport {{giggles}}.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Copaxone Jitters

So, my Copaxone was supposed to be here today but of course Murphy’s Laws have to set in when I’m attempting to get things done on a time frame. So, I’m PROMISED that my Copaxone will be here by 10:30 a.m. tomorrow, which leaves me a half an hour wiggle room before I have to leave for the airport to go to a wedding this weekend. And I’m going to this wedding, damn it!

On top of being completely stressed that the medication won’t make it here on time, I’m jonesing to start the Copaxone. (Copaxone is the autoimmune suppressant drug that I’ve chosen to help make sure that my broken brain doesn’t become more broken.) First, because I want to give my body every edge in battling the MS and second because I would like to have 4-5 days to see what type of reactions I’ll have to the medication prior to returning to work.

For the most part I’m keeping my thoughts positive and upbeat. I’m doing positive visualizations reinforcing a healthy normal functioning brain; but every now and again the image of my body attacking itself creeps into the forefront of my broken brain and I kinda freak out. The loss of control of such a normal function that we take for granted and mine has decided to go haywire and attack itself. I’m mean what the fuck, the world beats me up enough all on its own, I don’t need to help it any. I can't even cut myself some slack...sheesh!

Okay, happy accident to celebrate from tonight’s freak out: Because of my broken brain, I’m learning to love myself more and not beat myself up so much. I think this is such a good happy accident to celebrate that I'll carry it over to tomorrow as well!

The Prednisone Crazies

I think the prednisone crazies are starting to pass, well, at least a little. Yesterday was the first day that I felt affective in channeling the prednisone crazies instead of vice versa.

What are the prednisone crazies you ask? Well, let me try to explain.

Prednisone is a steroid drug that is great at controlling inflammation in your body and they prescribe it for all sorts of reasons, and yet, it has some of the most disgusting side affects in the world. The worst of which, is my body feeling completely achy and exhausted and yet the prednisone doesn’t allow my brain to SHUT THE F’ UP! So, much like being a speed freak, I feel as if I’m being propelled in a KAZILLION different directions at warp speed, when all I really want to do is rest quietly. I can’t forget to mention the CRASH that happens. Yup, finally my body will be so exhausted, of course brain still in hyper-drive, that full blown bitch mode hits with a vengeance and watch out whoever happens to be in the way!! It is generally during bitch mode that I begin to feel like I want to crawl out of my body and my hands won’t stop shaking. Oh yes, and I don’t want to forget to mention that my skin has broken out in acne, and my hair is thinning and I’m retaining enough water to look like a small hippo. But, I’m not bitter!

So, let me state for the official record. I hate prednisone. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I H A T E I T! Did I mention I hate it? The biggest thing I hate about prednisone is that I’ve yet to find a happy accident to celebrate about the fact that I have to take it! Maybe I won’t discover that until this cycle is completely done.

However, today’s happy accident is that I’m stepping down on dosage and think I’m getting to the point where I’m able to channel the prednisone crazies instead of them controlling me.

Poor Turtle, he’s had to be SO patient. He has decided that cranky and hyper is better than super perky and hyper. Especially when I’m waking him up in the morning with a list of “honey do” chores. {{giggles}}

I had a fabulous birthday yesterday!! Thank you so much to everyone for the super cool birthday wishes. And, a big thanx to Red and Big O who sent me one of the most beautiful flower designs I’ve ever seen.

Today, I get to spend with my Aunt CandyCane, so I’m off to another little birthday celebration. A celebration of me!!!

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Happy Birthday To ME!!!!

“Happy birthday to me.” “Happy birthday to me.” “Happy birthday tooooo mee-eeee.”

“Happy birthday to me!!!”

Today’s Happy Accident Celebrate: I have a broken brain and that is part of my destiny.

Monday, July 05, 2004

Happy Accidents

Happy Accidents is a great independent film starring Marisa Tomei and Vincent D’Onofrio. (Thanx Viejo for the link to the synopsis.)

Imagine THE TERMINATOR without Ahnold or killer cyborgs or lots of gunfire
and shit getting blown up. Now replace Linda Hamilton with Marisa Tomei and
Michael Biehn with Vincent D'Onofrio, and you get HAPPY ACCIDENTS. Once
again, director Brad Anderson (SESSION 9, NEXT STOP WONDERLAND) has earned
the title "maker of chick-flicks that guys can tolerate."

I’ve LOVED the concept of happy accidents since I’ve seen this movie, and since my broken brain it has become an integral concept to my psyche.

I’m viewing happy accidents as small miracles and all the extraordinaire lessons I’m learning about myself because of my broken brain. Everyday I look for a happy accident to celebrate, and, you know, once I started looking miraculously they’re all around me.

Sunday, July 04, 2004


Since I’ve been told that my brain is broken, I have been feeling so much love all around me. I realized that one of the experiences of love I’m feeling is gratitude. I’m so grateful to my family, friends, and now, the online community that has reached out with unconditional love and support.

I have this image in my head of two mirrors facing each other. In one mirror is all the love I hold in my heart and in the other mirror is all the gratitude that I’m feeling. I notice that as these two images begin to reflect off of each other, a fusion ball of energy is being generated in the middle: swirling, glowing, pulsating, growing…the power of creation and all that is good. And then it electrifies my heart and it feels like my heart is overflowing with the power of all that unconditional love and the energy of creation and I’m infinite.

Thank you to everyone for this gift.

Today’s Happy Accident to celebrate: Gratitude is a magnifying agent for love.

Saturday, July 03, 2004

A Dual Celebration

We had a wonderful dinner celebration last night too meet Plaid’s new Boy (and I have a good feeling about this budding relationship) and a little surprise birthday party for ME!

Thank you to the best friends in the world. Princess, ToolMan, Red, The Fabulous Miss M, Toddly and Pixie, K and L, Lucky, Queen Kelly, and the other people there that I don’t have online names for yet. {{giggles}}

The highlight of the evening, for me, was the birthday poem that Turtle wrote for me. I’ve already received permission to post it—and it’s funnier than heck—and will do so soon!

Today, I’m off to see Princess, the world’s best Brazilian bikini waxer, and then spending time with my Mommy and Aunt CandyCane.

I wonder what Happy Accident I’ll find to celebrate today?

Friday, July 02, 2004

Feeling Free

I’ve been noticing how much sweeter music sounds; how much brighter the sun is shining; how much richer foods taste. I love looking at the pulsating, vibrancy of flowers. Everywhere I look these days I’m seeing so much beauty and love.

I’ve suffered with low grade depression most of my life and I never would have thought that being told my brain was broken would unshackle the manacles of depression. I’ve been feeling the freest to live and love life so fully, deeply, richly everyday.

Today’s Happy Accident to celebrate.

Recipe For Healing A Broken Brain

Last night I popped online, joined the SD Chapter of the MS Society and started to do a little research about my illness and the medication I’ll be on. I thought I was ready for this; it turned out to be a HUGE mistake!

When I quickly realized that this wasn’t good for me I just immediately stopped and went about putzing around the house for a while. I then sat down on the couch next to Turtle and sobbed like I haven’t yet really cried about this. I was hiccuppie and everything. Reading the harsh realities of what could, or will eventually happen to my body wasn’t fun. I feel like I’ve let everyone down. My wonderful love, my family, my friends, myself…. It hurts me.

Turtle just held me and reminded me that I had said I would only allow myself 24 hours of self-pity and that he thought I had already used that up {{giggles}}. But this was a little different from self-pity and more a grip of deep terror. I find, for myself, that if I just allow myself these moments and feel, then I can put it behind me and move forward with the positives and not dwell on the negatives.

Turtle told me he was glad that I was a little scared because that meant I would do everything I could to stay healthy and well. I can’t ignore this or my body, and medication alone will not be a magic bullet. Living a healthy lifestyle, eating right, regular exercise, stress management, as well as my medication is what will help keep the disease at bay.

It felt good to cry and purge it all out and of course an epiphany came from the experience. My recipe for healing my broken brain:

4 Cups regular exercise
4 Cups eating right
1 Daily injection of medicine
1 pinch of healthy fear

Mix all ingredients together will copious amounts of hugggzzzzs and love from everyone. Love myself, be gentle with myself, have some patience and watch my brain begin to heal.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Healing Brain...Healing Body

Boy, how fragile I’ve become. After a great nap and wonderful lunch, I was feeling so much more energized. I decided that I would run a few errands that I’ve wanted to get done for a while. So, off to Bed, Bath, & Beyond to pick up the few items I’ve needed for the new house. After that little sojourn I decided errand running for the day was done {{giggles}}.

I get home and I’m sweltering like an oinker and decide it is the perfect time to go to the pool for a nice relaxing swim. This is the first chance I’ve had to explore this beautiful new community I live in and the pool area is fabulous.

The pool is a little small, but that’s okay I don’t need much room: then…aaahhh refreshing cool water. I started my mantra, “Healing Brain, Healing Body….Healing Brain, Healing Body. A nice easy breaststroke, not counting laps not timing myself. I had decided I would simply swim until I felt the wonderful little drain in my muscles. It turns out it took less then 3 minutes for that to happen. I staggered out of the pool after this very gentle, wonderful swim, amazed at how frail my body has become.

I know it's only for now....Healing brain, healing body, and soon I will be almost as good as new. It truly did feel good to get that little bit of exercise.

And now I'm off for another nap {{LOL}}

Details of Dealing With A Broken Brain

This morning as I was lazing in bed reading, I started to feel all the tinglies running up and down my legs. It's not an unpleasant sensation, but a reminder that my brain is broken and my body attacking itself. As I was experiencing the tinglies, I kept thinking, "Gee, I wish I was already on my injections. I really want to start doing everything I can RIGHT NOW to halt the progression of the disease."

Not long after these thought, I received a call from Shared Solutions, which is the company that handles all the issues relating to the Copaxone injections I will be giving to myself. Shared Solutions has received the order from my neurologist, my medical benefits are being investigated, as well as which pharmacies I will be utilizing ordering my injections from. I should receive another phone call from Shared Solutions in a few days letting me know what my insurance covers of my medications and what my co-pay will be. Then I choose a pharmacy, take the injection class, and I'm off and running.

As impatient as I am to begin on my injections, the reality of this hit me like a ton of bricks. Yet another reminder that my poor brain is broken, what that means and the overwhelming sense of all the pesky details of managing it for the rest of my life.

Thank goodness I'm naturally an anal retentive individual when it comes to pesky details. I guess this part of my nature is just another happy accident in the many happy accidents I've experienced this past week.

But WOW...This is really real....My brain is broken.

The Bliss of Nothing

While I was drifting off to sleep last night, I realized today was the first day since this has all started that I didn't have to worry about an infusion therapy appointment, tests, a Doctors appt, etc. It was nice knowing that I could simply sleep until my body was ready to wake up.

And, of course, since I have absolutely NOTHING on my agenda for today, my broken brain instantly started to compile a list of things that I would really like to get accomplished today. Top on my list was to write down the story of my Broken Brain.

However, now that I've been up for about an hour, I realize how completely exhausted I still am!!! So, I think I'm going to listen to my body and snuggle back into bed with my beasties and a book and just rest some more. After all.....the most important thing right now is to let me brain heal!!! What better excuse to lose myself in a Nora Roberts romance novel {{giggles}}.